


Literati

by Rogueinsomniac



Series: Literati [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Library, Beta Read, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Friends to Lovers, Literati, M/M, POV Kozume Kenma, POV Kuroo Tetsurou, Switches POVs, barely 1000 words a chapter, my chapters are too short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 38,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27796006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rogueinsomniac/pseuds/Rogueinsomniac
Summary: KuroKen Library AuLiterati- A well-educated person who is interested in literature.Kenma has been coming to this specific library for over 2 years reading every book in their inventory, fulfilling a promise he previously made.Kuroo is new on staff at the library.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: Literati [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159484
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31





	1. Prologue

I had been coming to this library for over 2 years now. I had read over half the books they offered and had intended to keep doing that quietly and alone. I had assumed that because this is a library and I was reading that I would continue to be ignored and left alone. I had intended and hoped that that would be the case. So when I started noticing I had people who had taken an interest in me I felt immediately annoyed. My goal was ruined and the library was no longer a calm and quiet place for me. I wished I had never agreed to read the inventory in moments like this.

How can one person be so persistent and annoying?


	2. Prologue

**Kuroo Pov**

My Junior year of college I had made enough money through menial tasks and demeaning stints in work I felt rather uncomfortable with, all to finally move out of my parent's house and into somewhere that was my own. I had felt as if I could finally be my own person with out outside judgement. It was liberating to me and childish to others. 

This being said I needed a stable place of work to continue my stay in my new apartment as well as to pay for my studies. A mutual friend works at a library not too far from my apartment and recommended me for a job there. I did "wonderfully" during the interview and was "charming and polite". So I got the job. The person interviewing me seemed senile and old and was taken aback by my manners as if everyone else had been nothing but awful. She must have been going blind, the poor lady was having trouble reading everything I had typed up. Even if I hadn't gotten the job I would have felt obligated to help her. 

Today is my first day starting at my new job. Oikawa, the one who recommended me, has been put in charge of training me much to his dismay. 

"This is where you log in who took out what book and when they need to get it back by." He was already annoyed at not getting to work up front for the day. I had seen him work before, he quite enjoyed making small talk with the people checking out books. 

"What about the cards?" He had skipped over that entirely, I thought.

"Honestly they're for show. Their name and card number is in the system as long as you get one of those you can check in and out books." He was in no way impressed by this fact. He was bored by now, I could tell.

"Oh. Why would you print the cards then?" Immediately he turned to me and gave me a hateful expression before sighing. 

"Do I look like I made everyone get cards?" Noted. That was a dumb question. 

"Let's move on to filing books." 

He took me around the library and showed me how everything worked, where things should go and what to do about certain questions and issues. For hating the idea of training me I felt he had done a thorough job. He spent time on all my questions even if he was annoyed, I was surprised he was as patient as he was. Eventually he got to work the front desk during the last part of the day, myself still being in training for the day tagged along and sat next to him to watch how he did everything. 

The library was silent. I felt I should have expected that but I had never been somewhere so silent before. It was unnerving at first. All I heard was the shuffle of pages. 

"No one is talking." 

"Who would they talk to? They're all here alone." He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I figured the library must have had a book club or something to make it more lively. I was clearly wrong. 

Eventually about 20 minutes before we were to close up and mostly everyone was gone a boy with dyed blond ends and the most intense eyes I had ever seen walked in. Oikawa pulled out a book from one of the desk drawers and placed in on the table. Without saying a word he began loging in their information. He took their book scanned in and then did the same to the other book before handing it to the boy. I heard a small "thanks" before the boy took the new book and left. 

The entire exchange took maybe 3 minutes. How did Oikawa just know what to do? 

"What was that?" That was such an odd interaction for him to have. Oikawa talked to every single person that came to the front desk, except for him.

"What was what?" 

"Neither of you talked." Oikawa always talks about everything to anyone.

"Oh. He doesn't like to talk. He comes in here usually everyday. He exchanges a book two or three times a week and it's always in the order of the shelves so I take the next book out early for him. He's done it ever since I worked here." In the order of the shelves? For what reason?

"Isn't that odd to you?" Why is he so unfazed? That's weird, who would spend so much time on something like this.

"Not really. It's just routine." 

"So he's reading like what... through the library?" That's insane. Our library is small but still it has quite a few books.

"Yeah. Our Library has what around 10,000 books? When I came he'd read at least 2,000 or 3,000 of those. I've been here for about a year now. I'd say he's read 4,000 of the books we have in stock." 4,000 books? How old is he? 4,000?

"Are you kidding me?" He shook his head. Why is he so casual about this?

"No. He's really persistent too. He comes on holidays and stuff." Even on holiday? I admit, I'm intrigued now. No one would do something like this for fun. There has to be a reason.

"Do you know why?" 

"No and I don't ask. It doesn't feel like my business." He's never asked? Oikawa isn't really a considerate person, he must have asked at least once. He's not telling me for a reason.

"So he comes everyday?" 

"Everyday." That will make this all far more interesting.

"How odd."


	3. Chapter 2

**Kenma pov**

The book I got yesterday was incredibly short. I finished it quickly. I hadn't intended on finishing it so fast but 300 pages of stories from Lovecraft was far too easy to get through. I should have checked out two at the same time. I'll do that today so I don't have to wait again. 

I got to the library at 3 pm today. It closed at 8 so I had at least 5 hours to read. That would be nice. I haven't had enough time to come in lately so I'd just been reading at home. That was a bit hard for me. I felt better when I was there. I felt calm at the library. 

I turned my book into Oikawa and he handed me the next one I needed. 

"I'm going to get two today. I don't want to wait if I finish." He just nodded at me and went off to get me the 2nd book I'd asked for. I stood at the counter and waited for him to get back. 

While I waited I noticed someone new wearing a name tag. They must work here. When did the library get a new employee? Are they understaffed? He doesn't look like he reads much, an odd choice for someone to work here. He looked his he had an experimental hairstyle or maybe his hair just naturally stood up like that. Was he going for that look or did he just not have a mirror? 

As soon as Oikawa got back he started to scan my books. 

"He's new." I pointed out.

"What?" 

"The tall bedhead. He's new." Why haven't I seen him before? He stands out so much.

"Oh. Kuroo? Yeah, he's new. What about him?" When did he start? 

"I'd never seen him before." 

"He started yesterday. He was next to me when you came in actually." He was? Oh.

"I hadn't noticed." 

I took my books and went to a table by myself to read. 

Today, _The_ _Giver_ by Lois Lowry. I had never read this before. I'd always enjoyed dystopian novels though so I suppose this will be better than my stint of Lovecraft. The Library had far too many of his books in my opinion. I was getting bored with him, finally a new author. 

As I read I felt someone's eyes on me. I could always tell when someone was staring at me, it was unnerving. I hated the feeling of being watching it always made me feel like I was being undressed. Who is looking at me? I took a quick look around the room. ...Oh? 

It's the boy from earlier. What does he want from me? Is it just because he's new? No, he's been looking at me for too long for him to just be surveying the crowd. Did he hear something from Oikawa? He must have. There's no other reason for him to have his eyes glued to me like that. 

I tried to get back into my book but failed miserably. Does he have no shame? He's not even trying to hide the fact that he's looking. Should I just move to a table farther back? I just wanted to read. 

Eventually after around 30 minutes of awkward reading I decided it'd be better to just go home. I took my two newly checked out books and stuffed them in my bag. I went to leave the store with Oikawa waving me off. He never made me stay and chat like he liked to do with other frequent visitors. I was glad he had adapted to my personality.

Is it going to be like that everytime I come here? Has he never heard of manners? I mean who stares at someone they've never met like that? It's all so frustrating. 

I got home quickly. The library is around the corner from where my apartment is. At least I can read in quiet here. When I opened the door there he was.

"You're back early." I didn't think he'd be here so early for him. I felt like I had barely seen him as of late. I missed him.

"I wasn't planning on it." 

"I'm glad you're back. How are you?" He was always so considerate. It was calming.

"I'm good. Annoyed though." I hadn't been genuinely annoyed in a while.

"Annoyed? Why?" He fed into my annoyance and was prepared for a rant if I had one to give. He was always like that.

"Just this guy was staring at me for almost an hour at the library today. Isn't that stupid?" He had seriously rubbed me the wrong way.

"Oh? That's quite rude. Did you say anything?" He knows the answer, why even bother to ask.

"No. You know I couldn't." 

"Of course." I felt like I had been too snappy with my response. He sounded sad.

"Do you miss it?" He must have.

"Hmm?" 

"The library. Do you miss it?" He hadn't been in a few months. It had been a bit lonely at the library without him.

"Yes. We haven't been together in quite a while."

"We haven't." I wanted him to come with me again.

"We should go together soon. You can show me what you're reading." He was always interested in my books. In books in general really. He would have gone more if he had the time.

"I'd like that." 

"Kenma." I've missed him. I'm glad he's back early.

"Yeah?" 

"Try to make more friends. Maybe the boy wanted to talk to you. He might be intimidated. You're quite scary." I don't want more friends. I like who I have now. Branching out in uncomfortable.

"Do you want me to make more friends?" But if he wanted me to make new friends...

"I think just having me might be hard." It's never been hard before but if it's for him.

"Then I can certainly try, 'Kaashi." 


	4. Chapter 3

**Kuroo Pov**

Today a bit later than before the blond boy walked in to check in his books. Oikawa brought out two books this time, having learned from the last time and checked them out to him. The boy took his books and sat at the same table he had sat yesterday. He seemed to be a creature of habit. 

I had decided yesterday that I wanted to talk to him. I kept thinking of different ways to start a conversation but nothing stuck. It all seemed too awkward or forced. I eventually decided on asking about his book. 

I walked over to his table and took the chair opposite his and sat down. He didn't look up once. 

"What book is that?" He kept his eyes on his book and responded without making any sort of eye contact.

"I'm sorry?" So he does speak to strangers.

"The book. What is it?" 

" _The Hasheesh Eater_." I've never heard of that.

"Is it good?" He took the book mark from beside his bag that was on the table. Then used it and closed his book.

"I wouldn't know. You interrupted me as I finished the prologue." He didn't seem pleased with that fact.

"Oh. Well what did you read yesterday?" Maybe I had said something I shouldn't have because he looked seriously annoyed with my presence at that moment.

"Why do you want to know?" 

"I thought we could be friends." His reaction to that was one of someone remembering something important. He then put his head in his hands made a small noise of desperation and then looked back up. It was all very cute and child like. 

" _The Giver_ and _Number the Stars_. That's what I read." I guess he's going through a good section right now.

"By Lois Lowry, right?" He was finally making eye contact. That's a start.

"Correct." 

"How were they?" I could tell he was forcing himself to have this conversation but I really wanted to talk to him so I didn't care. 

"I enjoy dystopian literature so The Giver was enjoyable for obvious reasons. Number The Stars was simple but good nonetheless. She wrote them both so I didn't expect them to be bad." What a short review. I guess he doesn't enjoy talking much. 

"I liked The Giver when I read it. I had to read it for a class." So far all I know besides his weird goal and routine is that he likes Lois Lowry and dystopian literature.

"That makes sense." I- I'm sorry?

"What makes sense?" His facial expression had not changed once, he looked rather emotionless.

"That you read it for class." I don't understand.

"What do you mean?" 

"Well... you don't look like you read... much." How blunt and rude. He really does just say what he's thinking. 

"I guess I don't look like I read. I'm more into non-fiction though so I apologize if my classics knowledge is sparse." Truth be told I rarely read any type of fiction for pleasure. I could never get into fiction as much as I could with something real. I much preferred facts to imagination. 

"Okay." He's a bit hard to talk to. He has no intention of being the one to intentionally continue this conversation.

"So how long have you been coming here?" That was something I had really wanted to know.

"Over 2 years." As in a bit over or like 2 years plus other years?

"On your quest, right?" That was obvious. I didn't really need to ask that.

"Yes." Always with the bored answers.

"You've got lot of determination for someone who looks so bored." He was the most uninterested person I had ever met.

"Thanks." 

"You're welcome." He was far more intriguing than I first thought. I wanted to keep talking but my break was almost over. "Well I have to go back to work. If you finish your books today you should come check out with me. Alright?" 

"I prefer Oikawa. He talks less." Yikes. 

"Well if you change your mind, I'll be there." 

For someone who doesn't like to speak he sure has no problem saying what he's think when asked. I guess that's better than him deflecting everything. He really doesn't seem to like anything about our interactions.

I went back to the front desk where Oikawa was sitting checking in books from the outside drop box. 

"You bombed." I feel comforted. How nice of him.

"Thanks. I noticed." 

"He really doesn't like you." He keeps pointing out painfully obvious things.

"Don't I know." He was clearly trying his best not to push me away though so that's good. I think.

"Why did you try so hard?" 

"I think he's interesting." Really really interesting. Like he's kind of weird and I want to know exactly why.

"I guess that's different for you." Most people are boring and Oikawa agrees with that. It's weird for me to take interest in others.

"Yeah. I'm gonna try again tomorrow." 

"He's going to hate you, I hope you know that." I hope not. 

"We'll see. Maybe he'll warm up to me." He'll have to like me eventually I mean we'll see eachother everyday.

"I doubt it." He doubts me so much, I shouldn't be surprised that he'd say something like that.

"You're so negative. At least try and hype me up." 

"Oh. You'll do great. Go get em' champ." I need new friends. Oikawa is the worst.

"I hate you." 

"I didn't know you wanted me to lie to you. If you had asked I would have been more encouraging sooner." Jesus Christ. I'm leaving to go work in a different part of the library.

"I'm going to go re-shelve the books you check in." 

"Okay. Come back if you want more encouragement." 


	5. Chapter 4

** Kenma Pov **

I came in late today. I had been working up until about 7 and had no time to come to exchange my books. I almost turned around when I saw who was working the front desk. It's fine. It's be five minutes maybe less. It won't be that bad. 

I walked up to the counter and placed my books on the desk. 

"Hey there Pudding head. How are you?" I looked at him. I knew I hadn't looked anything but upset at his talking. 

"Fine." 

"That's good. I have your new books." When I didn't respond he just continued with his attempt at conversation. "You read a lot. Any recommendations?" 

"I don't read non-fiction." 

"Hey! You remembered. I'm open to anything. What do you like?" I had found Oikawa annoying many times before but right now I was wishing it was him checking me out instead. 

"Nothing you'd like." 

"Well that's not necessarily true. I like lots of things. Come on. Give me something." Why am I thinking of a book? Is it to get him off my back or have I become that invested in my reading that I feel I can properly suggest things.

"The Wasteland." 

"What's that?" Of course he wouldn't know.

"It's by T.S. Eliot." 

"Alright. I'll check it out. Thanks Pudding head." That's a truly revolting thing to call me.

"I'd rather you didn't call me that." Truly a terrible nickname. It was annoying to have to tell him that though.

"Well I have to call you that. Neither you or Oikawa have given me your name." Had he not looked it up?

"Kenma. It's on file." 

"You're right. I should have just checked there." Is he a moron or just really new?

"I'd rather you not look up things about me." 

"Why? Got stuff to hide?" Why would he say that? 

"I'd just rather you not know more about me than is professionally acceptable." 

"Aww don't be like that." I miss Oikawa.

"Oikawa is much more efficient at checking me out." I wish he'd come back and check me out instead of this rooster. I miss not having to talk.

"Well I wanted to talk." I could tell.

"I wanted to leave." 

"Do you have somewhere to be?" Yes. Anywhere else.

"Home. Preferably." 

"Right. Here are your books. See you tomorrow." God, I'm going to see him tomorrow.

"See you tomorrow." 

I took my book and got out of there as fast as I possibly could. How desperate can one person be? He doesn't even know me and yet he's pining over me like a child. It's annoying. He's annoying. I just wanted to get my new books. I can't stand the thought of having to see him for the foreseeable future. How long would he work there? Or would I have to see him till I fulfilled my promise? 

I took my time to get home. I spent the time thinking ruminating about the experience I just went through. I had never been more annoyed. No one enjoyed trying to talk to me so why was he trying so hard? Can't he just give up like everyone else? It's easier that way. 

My apartment was finally in front on me. I opened the door to Akaashi. 

"Evening, 'Kaashi." 

"Kenma, hi. How was the library?" Always quick to ask about my day. How natural of him.

"I got my book." 

"Are you still being annoyed by the new worker?" He could tell just by looking at me what had happened. He was always good at that.

"Yes." 

"Maybe he wants to be friends." Who cares what he wants?

"I don't want friends." 

"But you need them." I was always being pushed by Akaashi to make new friends, no matter the situation because honestly all I had was him.

"He's annoying." 

"What about the brown haired one?" Oikawa?

"I'd never be friends with someone like him. He's too social." And if we were friends he'd talk more.

"So try out the new guy. Maybe he'll be less annoying if you're friends." I hated when what he said made sense.

"I don't know." 

"You could try it out though, couldn't you?" It always felt like when he asked me to branch out that that was his way of pushing me away.

"You sound like you don't want me anymore." 

"When has that ever been the case?" Never. It's never been the case.

"I'm just saying." 

"At least be nice to him. You've been rude, haven't you?" There he goes with the seeing through me. It was frustrating how little I could hide from him.

"How would you know?" 

"Well I know you. Don't I?" He knows me too well.

"Yeah." 

"How about a few days?" I could do a few days I guess.

"A few days." 

"And then you don't have to talk to him if you still hate him." It was quite the compromise. He would let me off the hook if I tried.

"Fine. I'll be nice for a few day." 

"I think you might enjoy it, Kenma." I honestly didn't want to enjoy it. I was rooting against myself.

"For knowing me so well you seem to say a lot of things I don't like." 

"Well I enjoy seeing you succeed. So I'll push you to get there." A very Akaashi thing to say. 'I just want the best for you Kenma.' It always made me feel like I should be doing more.

"I missed you." He had been gone for too long for my taste.

"Well I'm back aren't I? I didn't mean for my leave to take so long." I had wanted to talk to him for some time. He always knew how o fix me.

"I know. I'm just glad you're back."


	6. Chapter 5

**Kuroo Pov**

Today when Kenma came in, he felt different somehow from how he had been every other time he had come in. He was... polite? I'm not sure what changed but it really threw me off when I greeted him. I thought he was messing with me at first but then... I've thought too much about it. 

He's been here for about an hour just reading, he hasn't looked back at me since he greeted me at the door. He's totally fucking with me. 

As soon as I clocked for my break I went to his table and sat down across from him as I had done before. 

"Good Evening, Pudding." At this point I was solely trying to see if he was faking or not. If I tease Kenma he will surely get mad. 

"Hello. How's work?" Work? What? Why is he being like that? Somehow this is worse than before. 

"Uhh... work is good. I like being here. How's your book?" Why are we having a normal conversation? I feel like I've downgraded somehow. 

"I'm thoroughly enjoying it. You should read it." Nope. Nope. This is not okay. What's wrong with him? 

"Alright. What the fuck, Kenma. Why are you actually conversing with me?" 

"Did you not want me to?" I just need him to pick what he's going to do and stop screwing with my head.

"Of course I want you to but it's weird. You're being really fucking weird." Especially for his personality.

"I was asked to be polite. I'm being polite." By who?

"You were asked to?" 

"Mhmm." Why would he go through with that?

"So you're just going to continue to be nice to me? Because... because someone asked you to?" 

"Yes." Does anyone have pull over him like that?

"Was it Oikawa?" 

"Do you think I care about what he says." Pft. I tried hard not to laugh at that. 

"Guess not. So is this an indefinite, you have to be nice to me or?" To be honest I wasn't digging the whole him being forced to act sweet with me thing. It was so fake.

"You get 3 days." 

"And then you're what... normal again?" I can do three days.

"Yes." 

"I don't get why you don't like me or why you're forcing yourself but I guess this is a step forward in someway." I think I'm incredibly charming, and not many people didn't like me so what was him deal. I hadn't done anything.

"Whatever you say." 

"So I have a question that's been bugging me for a while." I mean... he'll probably answer now that he's being nice, right?

"About?" 

"Well about you. You're kind of weird in an interesting way, you know?" 

"That's not really a compliment, Kuroo." I thought it was. It felt like one to me.

"Right. Well I have a question about you." 

"Okay. You can ask." Thank god.

"Why are you going through the entire library inventory? There must be a reason, no one would do it for fun. I mean maybe you would but... that doesn't seem like something you'd do." 

"Oh. Well I made a promise to someone." That's so unspecific.

"A promise?" 

"Mhmm." That practically tells me nothing. All I know now is that there was someone important to him or still is? And he promised them to... what read a library? Nope, that makes no fucking sense. That's made this more confusing.

"Is that all I'm getting?" 

"For now, yes. It's quite personal." Why is he doing that? Why is he making me intrigued about things he's not going to tell me about? Why?

"Then I'm not going to push. Thanks for sharing part of it though." 

"I didn't see why I shouldn't." And here I thought he was saying it because he was starting to warm up to me, what a cruel choice of words.

"Because you like me? Because we're friends?" 

"I only have one person I like... I... I apologize." He definitely forced himself to say sorry just now. 

"Don't apologize if you don't mean it." I hated that. It was seriously annoying that he was making himself apologize. That he was saying things he didn't mean.

"I felt like I should." Of course he did. But he didn't mean it and that's what matters.

"Well if your uhh... friend? The one who made you be nice to me." The only thing I'm getting out of his forced politeness is facts about him even if it's just because he feels like he needs to say it.

"That's correct." Why would he ever agree to that? Who is this person that holds that kind of power over him?

"For what reason?" 

"He's the only person I have and he thinks that's not enough." Of course it's enough. How could it not be enough? Why would you want extra people if you have someone important enough to you.

"I think just having one person is okay." 

"So do I." Then he really doesn't need me and I basically just agreed with that. Didn't I?

"Wow I'm really rooting against myself aren't I." 

"With your previous statement I'd say so." Fantastic job. Even though I want him to like me, what I believe goes completely against that. I mean... if he's fine with just that guy then I should step back... but that guy wants him to have friends? If I try it won't really hurt him, maybe just annoy him.

"I just need to get you to like me in 3 days. I can do that." 

"You probably can't." I know that.

"We'll see. We'll see, pudding head." 


	7. Chapter 6

**Kenma Pov**

Today was my usual day off from work and school. That meant I got to come into the Library as early as I wanted. It was says like this when I could go through five or six books with no problem. It was my favorite day of the week. It made me feel more productive than anything else. I had been looking forward to today all week. When I stepped through the doors I immediately felt calm. It was euphoric. 

I didn't even care that Kuroo was there to bug me. I would have the entire library to myself for at least a couple hours while everyone else was asleep, at work or at school. I'm fairly certain anyone who saw me must have thought I lost my mind. I was so relaxed at the moment. 

"Kenma." Oh. It's Kuroo.

"Hmm?" 

"You're here early." He seems tired. Maybe he's not used to being up so early. I used to be the same, I barely sleep anymore though so that doesn't matter.

"Yeah. It's calm in the morning." 

"Calm?" He probably doesn't feel calm, he's at work.

"No one is here." And that's fantastic.

"Of course. Except you that is. Why are you here this early?" I went to respond but was cut off.

"He's always here on this day. Once a week Kenma comes in for the entire day. I really thought I would have mentioned that." Oikawa spoke up from behind the counter. He explained it better than I probably would have.

"I have a day off. So I'm here to read." That's what I was going to say. It's what I did say.

"Wait. Are all the books Oikawa pulled out for you?" Had he gotten them? That's good. Less time to wait then.

"Mhmm. I'll have to check out more before I go home though." 

"That's insane. You read that fast?" I have to. I want to finish as soon as possible.

"Well I've had practice." 

Oikawa gave me the next 6 books I needed and I took them with me to the corner of the library. I remember last week had incredibly boring books and I'm glad to finally be on a section I like again. This should be somewhat enjoyable. 

I had read through two and a half books by noon. That's not bad. Better than usual actually. When I had decided to stretch from my seat I saw Kuroo standing in front of me. 

"I come baring gifts." I hadn't noticed him come up at all. I had been so immersed that I had forgotten my surroundings. 

"Gifts?" Had I heard correctly?

"It's coffee. I should have asked. Do you like coffee?" Did... did he bring me coffee? Why?

"I like coffee, yes." 

"Great. Then this is for you." He handed me one of the cups from his hand. "It's a latte without sugar. I wasn't sure how you would take it but I just sort of went standard." That's surprisingly... nice.

"No, I enjoy lattes. Thank you." It felt weird giving him a genuine thank you. I had been forcing myself to be nice but right now that came easy. The coffee smelled great. The place it was from was good too, I was feeling more grateful as i thought about how out of his way he must have gone to get this. It wasn't necessarily close.

"You're welcome." I hated to like what he was doing.

"Why'd you give me it though?" He was being oddly sweet.

"I figured you'd get tired just reading. Plus you haven't drank anything since you came." He pulled out a small grocery bag and placed it on the table. "Inside is a water bottle and pretzels. That should be fine right? You should really eat something." He... brought me food? He brought me several things actually and he had intentionally done so. He had planned it out and gone out of his way. Why? I hadn't done anything to deserve that. In fact I had been mean to him.

"Why are you being so nice?" Seriously. Why?

"I'm always nice." That's not true at all.

"It feels like you have a motive." He must, I know I would never do something like this 'just cause'.

"Well I do want you to like me but that's not why I did it. I got worried, so I wanted to help. That's all." He was worried? Why? He doesn't even know me.

"Positive?" 

"Absolutely. I'm not a complete dick. I can be sweet." No motive...

"I appreciate it then." 

"Good. You should. This is the only time I've ever done this." Then why is he doing it now? He's incredibly confusing. I didn't like not knowing what people were thinking and somehow I never knew with him.

"Ever?" Why just me?

"Yeah. Why? Did you think I was Mr. Holy saint? I'm nice but I don't do charity." I didn't think he was nice at all but I figured if he had done it for me it must just be something he like doing. I had never thought I would be the only one on the receiving end of this charity.

"I'm pretty sure that makes you not nice." 

"People should do things for themselves, I can't help everybody." What a way to phrase it. He really sounds like a douche bag sometimes.

"You sound like a capitalist." 

"What if I am?" Then we wouldn't be talking right now.

"Then I'll kick you." I absolutely would if given the chance. 

"Right. Well anyways I brought you stuff, you're welcome. I have to go back to work." I had actually liked him being here...

"Thanks." 

"Anytime, Pudding head." Unfortunately, I think I'm starting to enjoy Kuroo's company more than I'd like to admit. 


	8. Chapter 7

Kuroo Pov 

I had been feeling more confident with Kenma since earlier last week. He talks to me more which is definitely a bonus. He was still off putting no matter how I tried but less so than before. I saw him smile a few times at things I said so I was making slow progress. This had all been leading to one specific question. 

"Can I have your phone number?" 

"What?" Kenma's reaction, nine out of ten times when I asked him was a question back, to confirm I was in fact asking him something. Like whatever I had said was stupid and he was checking if I really wanted to continue. 

"Your phone number. You know, for communication and such." What if no one had ever asked for his number? Thats unlikely with a face like that.

"I know why people exchange numbers Kuroo but why are you asking me?" There it is, the 'are you sure'. 

"Because I'd like to talk to you more." I'm fairly certain everything I was doing was obvious but he seems very confused as if I should already know the answer.

"I don't text people." Of course he doesn't but it's not like he's never had friends ever. Unless that one guy was the only person he was ever friends with?

"Well I could be your first." 

"And what if I don't want your number." I don't get him. Why doesn't he want to do anything?

"Then you say no and I ask you tomorrow."

"Are you going to bug me?" So he is thinking about saying yes.

"Depends." 

"On?" How annoyed you get.

"Your mood." 

"If you don't text me often then I'll give it to you. If you bug me, I'll block you." Oh? Well that changes things.

"Alright, I can do that." 

We exchanged numbers and he was glaring at me the whole time. I thought this might be easier. I didn't think texting would be such an issue for him. I actually thought that'd be easier since it's not face to face. I was clearly wrong. 

"So Kenma..." I had probably talked to him too much today already. He had already been annoyed. I was just digging a hole for myself.

"What?" 

"Do you ever go out anywhere?" What's with him and making faces that make me feel stupid? What the hell is that? Why does he do it everytime like he's disgusted or something.

"Obviously not, I'm always here. Why?" He's the least enthusiastic person I know. There's gotta be something for he gets excited about right?

"I was thinking, we should hangout sometime." 

"Why would we do that?" I swear to god.

"Because it's be fun plus you don't go out enough, as you just said." Why us his face doing that? It's seriously funny, I'm gonna laugh if he does it again. He's going to get so mad, and I won't be able to stop.

"I'm perfectly content with my current routine." 

"Well, I'd like to see you other times outside of the library. We don't talk enough here." I barely get to talk to him in fact. My mission is failing terribly and Oikawa points it out everytime I talk to him, like the asshole he is. 

"I don't hangout." Of course he doesn't.

"Then call it something else." 

"What I mean is, no." Clearly.

"No? How come?" 

"I don't want to leave him alone." Honestly, why can't he just give full explanations like everyone else. Why does he keep giving these half sentences that need follow up questions?

"Him?" 

"I've mentioned him. The one that I actually like. Him." Oh? The guy. He's been very nonspecific about this person, not that he's ever specific but specifically with him. It's all vague.

"Do you... live together?" 

"Of course." Of course, what an obvious thing that I clearly should have known with all of that previous knowledge I have. Of course.

"I don't feel that was an of course kind of answer. I thought you lived alone." 

"No. We live together." As... friends? Like roommates?

"So... do you spend all your time outside of here with him?" Is that something friends do? I certainly don't do that with my friends. They're all annoying.

"When I'm not in class, at work, or here, I'm with him." That's seriously intense.

"So, he's like... really important?" I don't have anyone that important. In fact I'm not sure anyone really is important to me. Maybe my mom... but then again... maybe not. I don't like anyone enough to spend that much time with them.

"The most." The most? Out of everyone? They're just friends that's super weird for just friends.

"More than your parents?" 

"I don't have any parents. They've died." Oh shit. I've messed up. 

"Oh. Sorry." Big mistake, I have no idea how sensitive of a topic that is.

"It's okay. I'm over it." 

"Are you sure?" I feel seriously bad about bringing it up. Do I just... move on? 

"Yes." 

"Okay... so would you ever hangout with me?" I'm just gonna switch back to the original subject because I have no idea what to say to him. I've never comforted anyone before.

"I'm not sure. I don't really have a reason to." Why would he need a reason? He's so complicated... but that's my fault for thinking this would be easier. I did like him because he's interesting.

"Well if there was a good reason, then maybe?" All I need is a reason then. If I have a reason then Kenma will hangout with me.

"Then maybe." That's as close as I'll get to a yes. So I will absolutely go forward with that

"I'll take it."


	9. Chapter 8

Kenma Pov 

Before I left for school Akaashi told me he'd come to the library with me today. Rather... that he'd meet me there when I went at my normal time. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes, you've asked before haven't you? I'm only doing what I promised." He had promised, but I didn't want him to go just because of that.

"I don't want you to go because you promised. I want you to go because you want to." 

"Well of course I want to." He was smooth at talking but always honest. It more often than not made me upset that he was telling me the truth in such a way.

"So you'll go not for me?" 

"I'm going partly for you." Of course he is.

"Is that as close as I'll get to what I want?" 

"I'm afraid so. My apologies." He was so polite about not giving me what I wanted. I couldn't be mad, not even a little.

"I have to go. I'll see you at four." 

"I'll be waiting then." 

The entire day my thoughts were surrounded by the thought of tonight. I was genuinely excited for him to go with me again, for us to read together. And thus my thoughts were consumed of only that. 

When I walked into the library I got my books as quickly as I could saying barely a word before rushing to sit down. I saw Akaashi at a table in the corner where I had not dared to sit since he stopped coming with me. I immediately sat down. 

"Hi." I can't believe he came out with me.

"Hi." 

"Are you going to start reading? If you put it on the table I'll read with you." I realize I was staring at him. I always liked to read with Akaashi. Sometimes when he got to words he knew I was having trouble reading he'd whisper them to me as to not make me feel stupid. He always said he was saying it to himself because he had forgotten and it helped him to say it aloud. He was a liar but that's okay.

"Okay. Thank you." 

He leaned on the table and read with me. 

"Aphorism." Was the first word I read wrong. Akaashi had noticed it to and promptly whispered it. 

"Kenma! There you are. I thought you didn't come for a minute. You weren't at your table." Kuroo. Kuroo had shown up to talk to me like always. 

"I know. I sat here instead." 

"Well, okay. I didn't think you liked change." I wasn't aware it was time for his break. I think this is earlier than usual.

"This used to be my table. I've just moved back for now." 

"So how was your day?" Oh so we're talking now. I'm clearly doing something.

"Uneventful." Mostly because I couldn't stop thinking of being here.

"You're very cold." Of course I am.

"You're interrupting." 

"Is this about yesterday?" Why would it be about yesterday?

"No, I just want to read. I'm not mad if that's what you think." 

"Alright. I'll talk to you when you check out." Thank god.

"Okay." He walked off from our table and I turned back to our book. Akaashi wasn't reading though. 

"Kenma." I never liked when he just said my name the way he had. It meant I was about to answer something I didn't want to and he knew that.

"Mhmm?" 

"Who was that?" Why do we have to talk about him?

"You remember the annoying boy from the library? That's him. That's Kuroo." 

"Ah. How could I forget. You complain about him a lot." I guess I do talk a lot about Kuroo at home. 

"That's because he's annoying." 

"I'm sure you think so." How very on brand of him to answer like that.

"You don't?" 

"I'm sure he's just sweet and you don't enjoy that." He is sweet. I hate that. He's sweet in a way that makes me think it's not sweet and I don't understand it enough to like it.

"That's because it's annoying." 

"So why did he think yesterday was upsetting for you?" Of course he wants to talk about that.

"Because I shot him down when he asked to hangout." 

"Oh. Why?" You know why.

"Because I didn't want to." 

"Is that because of me?" Partly... mostly. 

"Well I prefer you." 

"You can like him too. He'd probably be fine just being your friend if that's what you want." But in comparison there's no reason for me to like him.

"But I have you." 

"Not all the time." But some of the time.

"But it's enough." 

"You know that's not true." He's not Akaashi though. He isn't... you.

"I'm fine on my own." 

"If you really hate him, I won't push... but if you think you might want to stop being alone... talk to him for me." But I don't hate him. He just pisses me off and everytime I think of him I feel upset.

"Don't say it's for you, then I have to do it." 

"You don't have to." He knows that's not true.

"But you know I will." 

"I'm sorry." He is... he is sorry and I know I've already forgiven him.

"It's fine. Will you continue to read with me?" 

"Till closing." As long as he does that I have nothing to complain about.

"Then I'll talk to him tomorrow." 

"Because you want to?" Of course not.

"Because you want me to." 

"I'm sorry." Stop apologizing. 

"It's my decision. Don't apologize." 

"I didn't mean to guilt trip." He's not. It's my fault for always going along with it.

"If it turns out well that won't matter." 

"So you'll do it?" Of course I'll do it. I always do.

"Of course. I do most things you ask." 

"Thank you." 

"Just read the book, Keiji."


	10. Chapter 9

Kuroo Pov 

Kenma came in again today and sat at his regular table like nothing had happened yesterday. I decided not to question him on the whole situation and move on. He wasn't exactly the explaining type and I knew that. 

"Good Morning." He was a bit duller than yesterday but pretty much the same Kenma as before. I felt glad he wasn't too annoyed at the moment.

"Kuroo." 

"How are you? We haven't spoken properly in a while." I had been wanting to talk to him in a genuine conversation for a while. It had been really bugging me. I honestly wasn't sure what to do.

"I'm fine." He really isn't one for moving forward the conversation.

"Good. Good answer." 

"I don't know what you expected me to say. It was a boring question. I'm the same as yesterday." Of course it was a boring question but his answer didn't have to be so dull. He could have had a much more interesting answer.

"Of course. How's you goal coming?" I'll move to something he likes talking about then.

"Slowly. I have a while before I'm done." Then I get to see him more.

"Well that's good for me then." Kenma looked surprised.

"So you actually like it here?" Of course I do. Who wouldn't want to work in a library? It's like the ideal job, to work with books.

"Yeah. I told you I like reading just different books than you like." 

"Yeah. Non-fiction. I remember." How nice that he remembers facts about me.

"How sweet." 

"Not sweet. I just remember." Very Kenma. 

"Do you ever think about stopping?" I had thought about that a lot. What if he just... gives up. Then I won't see him anymore.

"What, my goal?" 

"Yeah. I mean... if you get to a section you really hate... do you ever want to stop?" I know I'd want to stop. I think I'd probably rather peel my eyes out then have to read a hundred books I hate.

"Never." How? I would have thought about it many times and probably quit within a month.

"Why?" 

"Because it's the only part of my life I have control over. I'm choosing to come here. I chose to promise them I'd read it all. Even if the books get boring it's important to me that I finish. So no... I don't think about stopping." I wish I could think like that. He seems so strong willed.

"That's really admirable actually. I don't think I have the will to do something like that." 

"Well... that's because you haven't found something you care desperately about." What does he mean?

"Care... desperately." 

"Look at it this way. I'd burn in a fire to finish reading these books. I know that sounds insane but all I know is that fulfilling my promise is incredibly important to me. If you don't have something like that then of course you don't have the will. I definitely didn't have it before either." He'd read in a fire? Isn't that a little much? I suppose if this is the most important thing in his life though... 

"I think I want to feel that way." 

"It is an interesting way to feel but... it's unhealthy at times. I don't mean to be so intense about it." I'm not sure if I'd care that it was unhealthy. I think I just want it either way.

"I still like the idea of it all. I'd want to care about something the way you do... Oikawa is calling me over. My break is done. Talk to you when you check out." I was waved off and went to Oikawa who was checking in books alone. 

"You talk to him a lot." I guess I do. I spend all of my breaks with him at least.

"Yeah well he doesn't hate me anymore so I've made formidable progress." 

"You like him... don't you." Oh... probably. I'm certain it's obvious.

"I think so? I haven't liked a whole lot of people and none of them seriously so... I think maybe that's what I'm feeling." 

"You're pretty hopeless Kuroo. It's fairly obvious you have a crush on him. All our regulars have commented on it." Then they're right.

"Then I probably do like him." I like quite a bit about him actually.

"You'd make a very fitting couple." I don't necessarily want us to be in a relationship now, however.

"I'm not sure I'm going for that type of relationship yet. I mean... I barely know anything about him. I'd at least want to hangout with him once. Be friends. I think it's pushing it for me to just ask him out. I don't know much but I know his personality and he's not that kind of guy." I want it to go slowly.

"Yes. Kenma has turned loads of people down before you came." Oh?

"He got asked out?" 

"All the time. It was super annoying." So he was popular before I started talking to him?

"And he just said no to every person?" 

"For as long as I've worked here." That must have been annoying. 

"Wow. And I thought you got asked out a lot." 

"That's why it was annoying." Of course that's the reason. He has such a need for attention it's annoying sometimes.

"Because he stole the cute librarians attention?" 

"Yes." Very blunt and to the point of him.

"How sad for you." 

"It was devastating." The fact that he's being honest pisses me off a little.

"Try not to hate him too much. Not that he'd care." He wouldn't. He might not even notice.

"I don't hate him. I like Kenma very much. He just gets too much attention for being cute and quiet." 

"Well loud and obnoxious isn't everybody's type."


	11. Chapter 10

Kenma pov 

At the library today I was cornered by Kuroo before I left. I was going back early today to read at home where Akaashi was waiting. I had wanted to go straight home like always but of course Kuroo felt the need to talk to me. So I waited with him. 

"What do you want?" Honestly I just wanted to leave. Why didn't he talk to me before?

"I want us to hangout." 

"Yeah, you've mentioned." Why is he saying it now?

"No, I mean today. You're leaving early and I have today off starting in half an hour." Oh... that's fair. This technically would be a good time.

"I don't know..." 

"Look if you get bored you can leave." But I don't want to be out.

"I don't like to leave my apartment really..." 

"So then what would you be okay doing?" Oh... that's the first time anyone has asked me what I'd be comfortable doing... well, besides 'Kaashi.

"You can come over when you finish your shift. I can ummm... send you my address." 

"Like actually?" It's what I'd be most comfortable doing. I don't want to go out so this is a good option for me.

"Actually. Now leave before I change my mind." I don't necessarily mind spending time with Kuroo. Something about him is pleasant to me.

"You won't regret it!!" He went off to the front desk and I finally got to leave. I began home and pulled my phone out to text Kuroo my address. I figured I'd just tell Akaashi in person what I had done and he'd probably be glad since he'd been pushing for it. 

I got home to Akaashi on the couch. 

"You're back. I thought you'd be here later." I thought I'd be here earlier.

"No, I'm early today. I was trying to get back to see you but..." 

"But?" I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to see him when I want anymore. There's not enough time.

"I ended up making plans with Kuroo." Not that I hadn't intended to at some point but... I had hoped it wouldn't be today.

"Oh? That's good then." I knew he'd be okay with it. I still felt poorly about it all, however.

"I wasn't planning on it but... here I am." He smiled at me. He was proud in some way. He was happy for me even if I wasn't for myself.

"He's the first in a while isn't he?" Yes, I had avoided everyone for a long time.

"Yes. He'll be here in half an hour." He still looked pleased and that, for some reason made me sad.

"I'll wait in my room when he comes." I wish he wouldn't but I know he will.

"You don't have to." 

"Well he wants to see you, yes? It's not like I'll be bored. There's stuff to do." I don't really want him to leave. But I know it would be weird if he stayed.

"Okay..." 

"How are you feeling about it?" He was always quick to go back to my feelings.

"Better now that it'll be here. I wouldn't have gone if I had to go out." I would have said no if that's what I had to do. It being here makes me slightly more calm.

"Of course not. He must have known that." 

"I suggested we come here." I'm not sure why though.

"That's improvement on your part." Maybe? It feels the same as before actually.

"It doesn't feel like it." 

"Are you still nervous? I mean... you haven't spent time with anyone besides me in probably over a year." That was true. I had turned down every offer I was given. For some reason I didn't feel the need to say no to Kuroo this time.

"I am nervous. But it's just Kuroo. It can't go over that poorly." I'm certain of that at least.

"You're right. I'm sure he'll take care of you and do whatever you like." 

"Are you okay with all of this?" I felt I needed to make sure.

"All of this?" 

"Me and the hanging out with Kuroo and such. Are you okay with it?" If he wasn't i would have cancelled.

"I've always actively encouraged it. I don't see why I should change my mind now." I know that... I just want you to feel secure with me.

"I just feel like I'm replacing you." 

"I'm sure that isn't true." It is in my head.

"Why?" 

"Because it's different. Kuroo and you relationship is different than ours. Even if you do the same stuff it's not the same experience is it? Because Kuroo and I aren't the same." He had a way with words that I envied in a way.

"So it doesn't bug you?" 

"Not in the slightest. I think that if you had any intention of replacing me you would have done it a long time ago." There he was, cheering me up like always. It was pathetic on my part that I needed him constantly to do that. I was annoyed with myself.

"You always make me feel better. It's not fair, really." 

"But you feel better so that's what matters. Right?" A prince. He was a prince.

"I guess so. It just sucks that it's always one sided." 

"I don't intend to have any serious problems for that reason alone." He had always avoided having issues that needed solving. All for my sake.

"Of course you don't. That's very on brand of you to take care of me." 

"Well I enjoy taking care of you." It was almost time for Kuroo to come. We had five minutes.

"He'll be here soon." 

"I should leave then." I wanted him to stay. But we had a small window before he arrived.

"I'll see you later." 

"Enjoy you time, okay?" I will try my best for you.

"Okay."


	12. Chapter 11

Kuroo Pov 

I left as soon as work ended to go see Kenma. I had been asking to see him for weeks and he always had school or other things he needed to do. I'm aware same day planning is stressful but I figured if this was my only chance then I should take it. 

I got to his apartment shortly. He lived really close to the library which also meant we lived close together. As soon as I knocked he opened up the door. He looked like he had changed. Maybe just into something warmer? His apartment was a bit cold. 

"Hey there." 

"Hi. You can come in. Just take off your shoes." 

"Oh, of course." After taking them off I looked up to see he had gone off somewhere else in the house. "Umm... how are you?" I was a bit louder than normal. Where did he go? 

He popped out of nowhere with coffee in hand. 

"I'm not sure I made this right but if it sucks don't drink it I have juice and water." How cute. He tried to make coffee for me. 

"Oh. Thanks pudding head." 

"If you call me that I'll make you leave." Of course. He really hates nicknames.

"Right. So how was school?" I tried the coffee, it was... different. Not necessarily bad but he clearly didn't know how to make coffee.

"Boring. Everyone there is stupid. I'm fairly certain I know more than my professors." Of course he does. How could he not?

"With how much you read that isn't a surprise." 

"It's disappointing though. That I need to go to be taught things I know." I'm sure if I wasn't learning anything new I'd be annoyed too.

"You don't have to go." 

"Yeah well I need a good job to continue doing what I want. So I need a degree." Right. Isn't that why we're all going?

"Then I agree it sucks. You know you're much more talkative here than at the library." It was kind of interesting to see his small change in character. He was pretty much the same but he seemed more comfortable to talk.

"Well that's because I live here." 

"Just pointing it out. Do you like anything besides reading?" New subject change. He was clearly all done talking about how much he talks.

"I don't know. It doesn't really matter anymore. It's all I do so I guess it's... my favorite?" Does he really not like anything else? I think I'd be bored if I only ever did one thing.

"I think it would be pretty bad on your part if you liked something more. You've spent so much time on it. Definitely too much to not thoroughly enjoy reading." 

"I guess that's a good way of putting it. Do you enjoy anything?" Probably. I mean everyone lies something.

"Umm... I like science? I'm a forensic chemistry major. So I guess I have to enjoy science." 

"That sounds boring." Very Kenma. I guess it is boring to most people.

"Some of it is. But I like it enough to keep going." 

"Why do you work at the library?" Oh. He was actually asking me a question and not just a follow up. That's new.

"I moved out. I needed a job plus I actually really like working there. I always thought it'd be cool to work at a library." I had thought that. I had enjoyed reading a lot when I was younger so it seemed natural to want to work there.

"It is cool." Does he think so or is he making fun of me?

"That feels almost like a compliment." 

"If you take it that way, then sure." It was definitely not a compliment.

"So Kenma..." 

"Hmm?" 

"I'm surprised you offered your place." I had fully expected him to say no to me actually. 

"Well I don't not trust you not to murder me so it's fine that you're here." Had there been other people he had thought would have murdered him?

"Still. It's the first time we've hung out. It feels like a step forward." 

"I guess it is." Oh? He agreed. New.

"Do you ever intend to tell me about yourself?" I had lots of questions I couldn't ask at the library and now seemed like a good time.

"I don't really like talking about myself." I've noticed. I've noticed it quite a lot.

"Would you ever tell me anything about yourself?" I had known him for a while and yet I knew next to nothing about his actual life. Not that I had had a lot of time to ask any genuine non surface level questions. I had wanted to everytime I'd seen him. He was the most interesting person I knew by a long shot.

"Well it depends what you want to know." Everything. I want to know absolutely everything about him. I had never been so intrigued with a person before. Talking to him was always interesting no matter what he said. It always felt new to me. I always enjoyed it, I always wanted more.

"I guess I'd like to start with the library then." That was my most pressing question that I had not gotten a full answer for.

"About why I go?" Absolutely. I need more then what you originally gave me. 

"Yeah, you were vague before. I'm just curious." I'm far to curious about it actually. The way he had phrased it had been bugging me.

"Well I don't know..." 

"You don't have to but I'd like to know. I can tell it's important to your character." Please tell me. I'm sure everything about you will make a hundred times more sense if I know what you meant.

"I guess it is..." He looked a bit nervous now. I wasn't sure why but he had had a change in emotion in several seconds.

"So will you tell me about why you go in more detail?"


	13. Chapter 12

Kenma Pov 

"I made a promise." 

"Yeah. But why?" 

"Because... because..." Why can't I remember? 

"Come on Kenma. You know why. Just think harder." Akaashi was standing in the corner of the room talking to me. When had he gotten there? Why can't I remember? "What about your mother Kenma." 

"My mother..." Oh... I had forgotten mostly about her. 

"Your mother? Is she who you made your promise to?" Kuroo was confused clearly.

"I... I can't... I..." 

"Just tell him. Tell him what happened. Tell him how. How she passed, tell him why you changed." Why hadn't I remembered what Akaashi told me till now? Why was everything so foggy for me?

"I used to like video games a lot..." Kuroo looked confused, I could tell but I'm not sure I was answering for him anymore. I was genuinely lost in my thoughts. I was trying to remember for my own sake.

"What?" 

"But my mother... she loved reading." Is that right? I think so... picture it clearly in your head Kenma, what was she like. "She liked to read to me... every night before she slept. She made me like them... books I mean. And... and when she died I kept reading." 

"Come on Kenma... tell him about your promise. You've remembered it by now, haven't you." 

"I... I... oh my god." I felt the words get stuck in my mouth. I felt cold. Everything felt very cold to me. "And then I met Akaashi... and he... we would read together... he... he loved it." Oh my god... why didn't I remember. 

"Your roommate?" 

"And... and I fell in love with him. And... I... when he told me his dream I decided to follow him along for it... because... because I loved him." How had I forgotten? Have I lost it? Why didn't I remember? How could I have forgotten anything about him...

"You guys are dating?" 

"And then... when he... when he said he was sick... when he told me that the Glaucoma had rapidly progressed, I told him I'd read for him. I told him that... if he couldn't see I'd continue for him." I felt tears coming out of my eyes. Everything was so blurry but for once I had remembered. I remembered everything.

"Kenma? Are you okay?" 

"And when he died... I promised... I promised I'd continue his dream... I... that's why I come to the library everyday. That's why." How had I forgotten? I had forgotten everything. I had forgotten the funeral and the grave and the hospital. Why did I keep going before? 

I missed him... I missed him so much. Why wasn't Akaashi here right now to help me? I needed him. I needed him. Why isn't he here when I need him... 

I looked to the corner of the room and he wasn't there. He had just been there. He had always been there... I was out of my mind. I was completely insane... I had been imagining him everywhere. I saw him everywhere. I had talked to him. I had believed he was still here... for how long? How long had it been since I started pretending? Had it always been like that? Had it been two years since I started and forgot it all? 

"Kenma..." I looked up. I looked up and I expected Akaashi. It had always been Akaashi. He had always been there but for the first time it was Kuroo. Kuroo was looking at me pitifully from the side of the room. Had I been crying for that long in front of him? "Kenma, are you okay?" 

"I'm sorry. I hadn't meant to cry. I think I'd forgotten you were here." 

"Do you... can I help?" I wanted help. I really needed help... but the only person who knew how to help me right now wasn't here and I had no idea what to do. I needed Akaashi to tell me what to do now.

"I'm not sure what's wrong with me, Kuroo. I've been talking to myself for two years. There's something wrong with me." I've been alone for two years. I've been pretending for two years.

"So Akaashi... is dead?" Oh my god... he really is dead isn't he? I'm not going to see him anymore am I? I... I live alone. I live alone and I can't see him. But I... I need him. It's too soon. We were supposed to to die together. We were supposed to be buried together. We were supposed to get married and finish everything together. Why is this happening? I don't. I don't want to remember. 

"He's dead. He's... yes he's dead." My thoughts were racing.

"Are you okay?" 

"No... I don't think so at least. I... I don't want him to be dead. I... I miss him." I was in pain and I didn't know how to stop it. I was alone. Akaashi had left me. 

"You were... eighteen?" 

"I was eighteen." 

"I don't know how to help." 

"That's okay. Neither did he." I'm completely alone. My brain had fought against me and I was alone again. I felt I had lost him a second time. Every emotion I felt was just as bad as it had been. I wanted nothing more than to forget everything once more.


	14. Chapter 13

Kuroo Pov 

I had never been so lost for words. What could I possibly say after that? I'm sorry feels like a poor response. I'm a lot more than sorry. I feel heartbroken for him. Had Kenma seriously been alone for two years? Had he been coping with a situation like this alone? I can't imagine how upset he's feeling but I can almost feel it from his expression. 

Kenma looked truly broken. I had watched him fall apart so violently. I felt sick to watch him break in this way. I had no way to help. I felt fairly useless standing there, looking at him cry. I'd never imagined Kenma would be one to cry so much but in this case I'm sure it couldn't be helped. 

What do I say to someone whose just remembered the most tragic event in their life as if it had been the first time? What words come with that situation? Because I have nothing. I have nothing. 

We sat there for well over an hour. It was one of the worst moments of silence I've ever experienced because everything I wanted to say came out at nothing.

"I'm really sorry I..." The fact that he had just talked after all that had happened was nothing short of a miracle. There was no way I would have been talking after something like that.

"You shouldn't be sorry. I'm just not sure what to do. I-" I wanted to apologize for being so incompetent but he cut me off.

"I'm sure I'm a lot to handle. I wasn't aware I was so depressing till now." He was joking somewhat and I felt awkward but mostly concerned. He must be trying not to deal with it in front of me. I can't imagine what it'll be like when it comes up again for him.

"I guess you kind of are. How do you feel?" 

"Like the love of my life is dead and I just found out about it in front of someone who'd just wanted to hangout with me." I felt mostly worse that he was making jokes. He was trying to be strong. Trying to make me less uncomfortable. He was amazing and it make me feel awful that he had learned to be.

"So not good. Got it." 

"I feel sick." So do I. I'm sure he must want to throw up after it all. 

"Can I get you anything?" 

"Water." 

I went in a search of cups in his cabinet. I finally found one. There were six cups in total. Do they sell them in sets of six? I took it and filled it with water and promptly got it back to him. He drank slowly, clearly repulsed by it all. He must really want to throw up then. 

"How's your stomach?" 

"Dropped." Of course it is.

"Oh." 

"I mostly feel like my heart is clenched. Nothing feels real. I'm not sure if I've made you up in my head or not." I went over to him and hugged him. 

"I'm real. I'm here." It felt like the only correct thing to do and say at the moment. He'd been questioning it all since he remembered. I just kept whispering to him and holding him letting him know I was there. That he wasn't crazy. I'm sure that's how he must feel. I'm sure it's how I'd feel. 

"I really think I've lost it. You feel so real. I really think I'm crazy, Kuroo." Oh my god. He's not okay. How scared must he be? He thinks he's losing his mind. He's not though. 

"No you're not. You're not. It can happen when someone has a sudden loss. It's just coping. You're normal." I had read about it in a psych class. When someone has a tragic loss of someone close to them they can imagine them. He wouldn't know that though. So I guess crazy is all he thinks he is then.

"I don't feel normal. In fact I feel pretty screwed up. I'm losing my mind. I know you think the same." But I didn't. Maybe I should have. But I couldn't. He was the same... just more tragic than before. More intense. He made my heart hurt a lot more than before. 

"I think you're be boring if you were normal, Kenma." I wouldn't have talked to him if he was normal.

"So you like screwed up people? That's a pretty gross fetish, Kuroo." Jesus Christ. How can he say that now?

"Just let me be nice to you." I'm trying so hard to be nice to him right now and to comfort him.

"You're not nice. It's unnatural isn't it?" I'm sure it's easier for him not to talk about himself right now. This is just as helpful as regular comfort.

"I'm literally nice to you all the time. You wouldn't talk to me if I was mean. Would you?" 

"I might. I'm not sure. You're fine how you are." He was complimenting me in a very Kenma way. I was worried and proud for him being so normal right now.

"So you admit I'm nice." 

"No. I think you're decent. For helping me that it." Thank god he thought I was helpful. I feel so incompetent.

"Is that as good as I'm gonna get?" 

"Yeah. I'm depressed I can't compliment you." He's much more than depressed.

"Of course not."


	15. Chapter 14

Kenma pov

The morning after I had broken down and Kuroo had left I stayed in my room. I couldn't fall asleep last night despite my attempts. I spent the night racking my brain on what I was supposed to do now. I kept thinking over and over on what I would have done when it first happened. Eventually in my desperate attempt to find a new coping mechanism I looked it up. "Hold a burial, cremation ceremony..." was the answer I kept getting. Of course I had already had a burial for Akaashi not that I had remembered till last night. 

Do most people visit graves? Would I even remember where it is? I should clean his grave... I need to clean it. I had spent 2 years not properly taking care of it. I should have been maintaining it. I need... I need to clean it. 

I took what I needed and left my house looking like a mess. I was noticing stares as I walked to the first place I imagined I might have had him buried. Of course I looked terrible. I hadn't slept, eaten or taken care of myself in anyway since yesterday morning. I had my hair tied in a knot on my head and all my clothes were loose. 

When I got to where I was looking I remembered immediately that it was the correct place. I walked the hill to his grave. When I saw it I felt sick. I should have taken better care of his grave. I put down most of what I was carrying and went back down the hill with my bucket to get water from the spigot they had at the front. I carried my full bucket back up to the top feeling eyes from all the other visitors on me. 

I began to clean off the stone till you could see his name. 

"Is that better? You always liked things when they were clean. Does it make you less anxious? I'm sorry I haven't been here to clean it off regularly... I..." I breathed in sharply. I was crying again. That seems to happen a lot. "I had forgotten..."

I remember I had picked out a very pretty black granite for him... or rather he had picked it out. I'm sure he would have been upset to see how poorly I was taking care of it... or maybe not. Akaashi always was understanding. 

"I kept thinking you were there with me. I saw you actually. Over and over again. I didn't mean to neglect taking care of where you are. Are you mad? I hope you aren't mad.... You know... You know I miss you. I'm in pain. It hurts so much. I want it to stop... Akaashi... A-" I fell to the stone covering him probably eroded body and cried. I was shaking violently and clutching my stomach. I had never been in so much pain before. "I want it to stop. Stop, please stop. I need you. I need help. I... please stop. I need help. What am I supposed to do now...?" 

I miss him. I felt very very alone right now. I really didn't have anybody and that thought was hitting me for the first time. I had been fine being alone till he came and found me. He made me need him. How dare he make me need him. How dare he leave me all alone. I hate this. I hate this. Why does it all hurt? I can't breath. Everything hurts. 

"I needed you to stay. I needed... I don't know what I needed. I wouldn't know, would I? I've forgotten everything. I'm so sorry I forgot. I really was the worst at taking care of you. I'm so so sorry. I want to remember. I really do. It hurts a lot. Not remembering. It hurts to remember too though. I guess I'm just in pain." I really wanted to talk to him. I wanted someone to talk to me. I hated being alone for the first time. It had truly never bothered me before that I can remember. I always preferred it. I wish I could want it now. I didn't want to need anyone but it hurt so much right now. 

"I still love you. A lot. I don't want to. I don't want to feel anything toward you. And it's so stupid because you're not here. You're no here for me to yell at and I'm just talking to rock. God this is so stupid. I feel really dumb talking to no one but the internet said this is what people do. They said this is how I get closure. I don't feel a whole lot of closure right now." I was crying less now. I felt angry though. I felt really upset that he wasn't here and that I couldn't do anything. I felt upset that I needed him so much. I was angry that I was alone. I had pushed everyone away and it was my fault I was alone. I should have listened to him. I should have made friends. I should have talked to someone. 

"You know I still go to the library. Everyday since you left me. I've spent more time there than I have at our apartment... my apartment. I've read more than you. I'm gonna finish it. The library. I don't know what I'm going to do after... Akaashi-" 

"K- Kenma?"


	16. Chapter 15

Kuroo Pov 

The day after Kenma and I's hangout I had to go to work. I couldn't get my mind off of him and Oikawa said I was very silent for the most part. I felt somber like I had somehow been apart of what Kenma was going through. When the time came for my break I looked for Kenma. I looked all over the Library in case he had decided to switch tables or doing something else for any reason. He hadn't come. It was 6 pm now and the library would close in two hours. Maybe he was just late. Maybe he was getting the courage to show up. 

To be safe I texted him. 

Kenma 

Kuroo: Hey, I'm sure you aren't doing well right now. Are you coming to the library? Do you want me to drop off your books? Let me know. See you soon. 

I went about half an hour without getting response before becoming nervous again. 

"Hey, Oikawa. Did Kenma come in today?" He looked up from the computer at the front desk and looked at my clearly panicked face.

"No, I don't think so. Why?" Fuck. Okay.

"Just checking. I wasn't sure if I missed him." He's snuck in before and avoided me. I wasn't sure if he'd just done that.

"Maybe he's just late." He's not late. I know that's not it. He's not okay.

"I don't think so... I'm kind of worried actually. Would you cover the rest of my shift? I need to go find him." 

"Are you sure? Maybe he's just ill." I know Kenma better than that. He's probably breaking down again. I need to go help him.

"He's come in every day for two years. He's not sick." 

"Right. Text me how it goes." Thank god.

"Thanks." I ran into the back and got my bag. I swung it over my shoulder and took off out the door and down the street. 

When I got to Kenma's apartment I saw all the lights were off. I knocked several times. 

"Hey, Kenma! Kenma! Are you in there!" I shouted at the door for a while before deciding he wasn't home. Where did he go? He only goes to school, work and the library. Isn't today his day off? Yeah, he usually comes in for the entire day. Where would he go? 

Does he ever know anywhere else? Where would he go? ...where would I go? Is there anywhere important he's mentioned before? Somewhere that has to do with Akaashi right? Was he buried? Kenma mentioned a grave right? I'll check the neighboring cemeteries. He has to be at one of them. Please be there. 

I went to three cemeteries before I found Kenma. He was on top of a hill with a single black grave stone on it and stones covering where I assumed a body laid under. A medium sized tree was directly behind it. Pink flowers grew on it and scattered the ground. He had a whole bunch of cleaning supplies around him and he was curled into a ball next to the stone. He looked like a complete wreck. 

"K- Kenma?" He stiffened and turned to look at me. 

"Oh... hello." I should have realized early and come to find him. He had been crying and quite a lot from what I could tell.

"Hi. Umm... are you okay?" I'm not sure what I could ask. He looked so broken sitting there.

"I'm sure I look worse than I do in my head." He did look bad.

"No. You look fine. Can I sit with you?" 

"Yeah. You can sit." I took a place next to him looking down the hill.

"You did a good job it looks well tended to." He kept his eyes on the stones we were sitting on.

"Thanks." 

"I'm sure he would have liked it being so well put together." I think Kenma must be in a seriously bad place right now. I've never seen him look so poorly put together.

"I think so. Akaashi was very clean." I wanted him to keep talking. I was hoping it might help for him to speak abut him.

"Oh, was he? And how was that?" Kenma was silent for a while before speaking again.

"Helpful. I'm not the most organized so it was fitting that he was." I imagine it was hard for him to talk about him. I've never been the most empathetic but right now it made my heart hurt to look at him.

"You guys must have been a good team." 

"It's the only team I've ever been good on." I don't want him to feel alone. He looks so sad right now. 

"I think one really good team is better than most regular ones." Kenma smiled at the ground. It was the first smile I had seen on him. It was a very somber smile of someone reminiscing their past. 

"He would have agreed with that. He was motivational like you are." Kenma spoke very softly as if speaking any louder would push him to tears.

"I'm glad you think so." 

"You know he was really pretty." He looked up at the rest of the cemetery and he had tears coming down his face very slowly. He still wore his sad smile as he spoke.

"Yeah? What did he look like?" 

"He had this messy dark lack curly hair that he wore short... and his eyes... they reminded me of the ocean. They were blue and sometimes in the light the shone green. I could get lost looking at him. He was gorgeous." Kenma described him with such love. I have no idea how he must feel to be looking back on such a person who had been tied with such strong emotion.

"It sounds like it. You two must have made a lot of people jealous." 

"We did. Lots of people would ask both of us out at different times and it was annoying. He... he was always very polite." His tears were shining in the setting sun. He was the most broken person in the cemetery tonight.

"I'm sure you miss him." That was an understatement.

"Yeah." 

"Do you want to stay here?" 

"No... no I think I'll go back home." I want to help him in any way I can and I really think I'm doing a poor job. I want to help fix him.

"I'll help carry your stuff." 

I took his bucket and put almost everything he had in it. I took him down the hill to his apartment. Kenma stayed silent the entire way back. He had finished crying but he looked like he was in more pain that before.

"Will you come to the library tomorrow?" 

"Yeah... I need to finish my promise to him." Of course. As long as I can check on him.

"Then I'll see you then... Kenma?" 

"Yeah?" Be okay for me.

"Text me if you need anything. Anything at all." 

"Okay."


	17. Chapter 16

Kenma Pov 

I built up enough strength to go the library the day after Kuroo found me crying in the graveyard. I felt mostly embarrassed because he kept seeing how much of a mess I was. This surely wasn't what he meant to sign up for when he decided he wanted to be my friend. I really was awful at getting close to people. 

The library was the exact same as before but it felt very different. Maybe I was different. I went to the desk and exchanged by books with Oikawa. 

"We missed you yesterday." No you didn't. You probably didn't even notice I was gone. I have no idea why Kuroo noticed.

"I was sick." I still am sick. I'm seriously messed up but he doesn't need to know that.

"That's what I told Kuroo." Why is this pissing me off so much? 

"Thanks for the books." 

"O- oh of course." He stuttered out clearly thrown from my thanks. I took the books an headed to my table. Had I changed tabled since Akaashi died? Did I do it intentionally? I can't remember. 

I know I never sat here with him. He wouldn't have enjoyed the attention. We sat in the back. Why do I sit here? 

I read very slowly today. I felt like I had lost my knack for speed reading and it was upsetting me that I was going so slowly. Why was this so hard all of a sudden? This is all I do. I should be amazing at it. Dammit. I shut my eyes tightly and put my head on the table. Why was I so bad at everything all of a sudden? I hate this. 

"Hey there Pudding head. You doing okay?" Kuroo. I felt bit relieved that he had come to find me. 

"Kuroo." I lifted my head up still on my book but enough to see him. 

"You don't look so hot. Is it the book?" It's me. I'm the problem. I'm a god awful problem to myself.

"I can't read." How is it I can't read? I have 3 activities I do and this is in all three. I must really be sick.

"Are you finally sick of it?" I could never get sick of reading. It's all I have.

"No. I'm just slow and it's frustrating. I hate it." I really do hate it. I'm losing it trying to get through this book.

"I'm always slow." He was trying to cheer me up and honestly it was working a bit. He had a knack for it.

"Liar. I saw you read a while ago. You were fast." He was pretty fast. He was reading at least 500 words per minute. Not near my speed but better than most.

"Maybe I was trying to impress you." What a cheeky thing for him to say.

"That's a shit way to impress me." I can't be impressed if I'm better than you.

"Well now I know." He smiled at me a stupid smile. It was very comforting. 

"Are you going to sit with me?" I oddly had wanted him to. I had wanted him to stay. Maybe I really was lonely.

"Would you like me to?" I think so?

"Well I see no point in you just standing there blocking the aisle." He was like a huge lamp post in the middle of the Library. He took up the entire walk way. 

"Ah, yes, because everyone is walking around at the moment." He wasn't wrong. There was no one walking around but that doesn't matter. 

"They might be if you weren't blocking the aisle." I had never realized how tall Kuroo was. It made me feel very small.

"So I can sit?" Why does he keep asking for permission? He works here? It's never been an issue before.

"Do you have to ask? You do it anyways every other day." He kept smiling at me in such a sweet yet cocky manner. It was very Kuroo. It was very irritating that I felt better because of it.

"I thought I'd be polite." He's never polite. He's just pushy.

"Don't. I hate it." 

"Noted. So how's the book?" I wish he wouldn't ask about that. I don't want to talk about my problems right now. It makes me annoyed to think of how slow I'm going.

"I'm not far into it unfortunately, so I have no idea." He immediately got the message.

"Disappointing. I wanted you to tell me about it." He tried to joke and it worked... a bit. It was awkward for me though.

"You've never asked for that before." I don't want to talk about what I read. Not now at least. Not after the last two days. I couldn't handle doing something similar to what I had done with him. It hurt too much.

"I thought I could start." Please don't. I want you to talk about something else... please.

"You talk a lot." 

"You don't talk enough." I knew he had wanted me to talk more but I couldn't. It was hard to speak as it is even without my new issues.

"That's because you're annoying." He wasn't... well not really anymore.

"You said charming wrong." That should annoy me. It's just endearing now. 

"Of course I did." 

Kuroo was very helpful for me to have around. Even though he teased me. Even though he got on my nerves. He made me feel like someone cared about me and I desperately needed that at the moment. Kuroo was saving me in ways I did not know I could be saved.


	18. Chapter 17

Kuroo Pov

Kenma hasn't been getting better over the past couple weeks. He's been in a spiral for most of it. It only stops when I talk to him at the library. It's quite a struggle knowing he's ill and not knowing what to do about it. Though, yesterday he said something interesting to me. 

"I think I want someone to help me. I don't want to keep feeling like this." 

So today I'm going to his apartment and I'm getting him help. He opened the door shortly after I knocked. "Kuroo? Why are you here?" 

"It's your day off right?" 

"Umm... yeah?" 

"Then put some clothes on and let's go." 

"I can wear this." 

"You're not wearing pajamas. Go change." He reluctantly followed my orders and wandered back into his apartment. He came back with something more acceptable on. "Alright. Come on." As soon as we got in the car he was a lot more awake, and asking questions.

"Where are we going?" I'm surprised he didn't ask earlier.

"I'm getting you help." 

"Wait... what?" He scrunched up his face in a pouty manner.

"I'm taking you to a therapist. I want you to get better and yesterday you said the same thing." I just hope he still feels the same about it. That he didn't just say it spur of the moment in a depression. I hope he meant it.

"You didn't have to kidnap me to tell me that." He was still pouting but less so. Now he seemed like he was avoiding uncomfortable feelings by teasing me. He always did that.

"I didn't kidnap you. You came willingly. There's a difference." 

"Feels like something a kidnapper would say, doesn't it?" Jesus Christ, Kenma.

"Shut up. We're almost there." The building was large. She had a room up at the top. I had spoke to her in person and explained the situation. She was very understanding.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" He shook his head and unbuckled his seat belt.

"No... no, I'll go alone. How long is the visit?" 

"It's an hour. I'll be in the car. Here's the room number." I gave him the paper I had previously written on for him. He took it and got out of the car to walk to the top. I would wait here for him... I knew I could have gotten coffee and waited somewhere else till he was done, but in my head I was still worried. If it went over poorly and Kenma left he would have to wait for me to get back. So, I'll just sit here."

Eventually Kenma got back out of the therapists office and came into the car. He didn't look upset which was a good sign for us.

"How is she?" He stayed looking ahead as I started the car and pulled out of the lot.

"She'll work." Oh thank god.

"Yeah?" He nodded and relaxed his expression.

"Yeah. She can help." That's all we need. As long as she can help.

"I'm gonna take you here twice a week. Is that okay?" He nodded again. He was much calmer than before. He seemed comfortable around me finally.

"That's okay. But Kuroo I have insurance. I already talked to her. I can pay. You're a student. I hope you weren't intending to pay for me." Of course I was intending on that. I was the one who made him go.

"If you couldn't, then yeah, I was." 

"I don't get you. Why would you help me? You don't even know me." Kenma was very adamant about how odd it was that I would help him.

"I know enough." I know enough to want to help.

"You know if roles were reversed I wouldn't help you." I know that. Of course I know that.

"And that's okay. I wouldn't expect you to." 

"You shouldn't help people who won't help you." That was Kenma's whole mantra that he constantly preached to me when I would do nice things for him. I'm starting to think this Akaashi guy was the only one who ever treated him properly.

"Well apparently I care about you... so I can't do that." I couldn't leave him alone. I needed Kenma to be okay for my sake just as much as for his. He had become important to me like it or not and seeing how broken he was was really getting to me. If I could help then I would.

"That's a pretty lame excuse." For him I'm sure it is.

"I just want to see you get better. If you really feel like me helping is dumb and makes you feel bad then I dunno buy me coffee sometime." He seemed to always want to trade for help which I didn't like but often reluctantly agreed to in some way. 

"That isn't an equal trade." Of course it isn't. I don't want you to do anything for me. Not with how you are now.

"Well I don't intend on letting you make me coffee again so..." 

"It wasn't that bad." That's true. It was also not good in any shape or form of the word.

"Well it wasn't good." 

"Kuroo..." Kenma spoke as we got to his apartment.

"Mhmm." 

"Thank you. Thanks for taking me is what I mean... I wouldn't have gone on my own." I wasn't actually expecting any thanks. I was expecting him to just be upset about it. I was a bit taken aback yet impressed by his reaction.

"I know. You're welcome. You can thank me by getting better."


	19. Chapter 18

Kenma Pov 

Kuroo has been watching over me ever since my breakdown. I'm not sure if he thinks I don't notice but it's very apparent that that's what he's doing. He's always there. More than anyone else had been in the past 2 years. It's very odd how attentive he is. He constantly checks on me, morning and night. I've gotten used to just telling him about my day because he asks so much. I hadn't meant to but it seems I've grown to expect that he will be there any time of the day or night for me. I should really stop assuming it's going to continue. 

"Kenma, let's go!" Kuroo has also been taking me twice a week to my new therapist. I've only been going for a few weeks but it's helping some. My therapist says I had been having hallucinations and that that was why I had been seeing Keiji everywhere. She said it shouldn't continue now that I know about it but that if it does I can be recommended for medication. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. 

It's just two hours a week split up between two days but it's nice to talk to someone. She doesn't pity me which I appreciate. She's very good at talking me down. I was incredibly embarrassed the first time I cried during session. She made it seem like it wasn't a big deal... she's very kind. She reminds me of how my mother was.

My sessions are hard to go through sometimes when she asks me certain things about him and how I feel. I feel pretty useless most of the time. I had grown with Keiji and now that he's gone I'm floundering on my own. Most of the time I wish he was here... all of the time I miss him. None of my feelings have changed but they are a bit less chaotic now that I have help. I guess that's the point of me going. I don't feel as crazy after going. 

"How was the session today?" I forgot I was in the car. I seem to be very spacey today. 

"Good... it was good." I cried again today. She keeps having me remember things from my past that honestly I would rather forget but I want to get better. I want to get better even though it's painful and my chest hurts and I cry for most of it. I want to get better even though he won't be able to see it. I just have to do it knowing he would have wanted me to be okay... that I want to be okay.

"I'm glad. Do you want to go back to the Library before it closes or do you want to go home?" I don't want to do either of those options. 

"Actually... Kuroo, can we hangout? Like... can you stay?" Kuroo was surprised because this was the first time I had ever actively sought him out. Up until now everything we did together was on his account, because he wanted to.

"Oh? Yeah, I can stay. What do you want to do?" I hadn't thought that far ahead. I just don't want to be alone a the moment.

"I don't care." 

"Well since you don't want to go home, let's go back to my place." I've never seen where Kuroo lives. He's said it's rather close to my apartment. I wonder if Kuroo is a neat person. He seems like messes might bug him. As much as he looks dumb I think he's actually quite uptight. 

"Okay. Let's go there." I'm interested to see what his apartment looks like. I can't imagine he's very good at decorating. 

"God, it's so weird that you're just agreeing." Why is that weird to him?

"Did you not want me to?" He shook his head and smiled.

"I always want you to but you've never done it before. It's just out of character." What did he just say?

"You always want me to?" That's what I heard at least.

"Well... yeah. If you haven't noticed I like you quite a lot. I wouldn't do any of this if I didn't like you. So, yeah. I always want you to want to hangout with me. Most of the time you look like you just reluctantly agree." I really thought Kuroo might just be putting up with me because he felt badly. But maybe he isn't one to do things out of pity. 

"Most of the time I do reluctantly agree." He makes me go out of my apartment a lot which I don't like. I always agree though, eventually at least.

"See that's what I mean. That's why it's odd that you just asked. Not that I'm complaining in anyway." I guess if someone I wanted to be with was asking me for their time I wouldn't complain either. 

"Well I just don't want to be alone and you seem not to bug me as much anymore. So..." 

"So I'm the chosen one." He said bluntly. He was so cocky when he replied. It was irritating.

"Don't call it that." He was so proud of himself too which made it all the more irritating. It was like he was purpousley teasing me. I hated it.

"But I'm right aren't I?" He always says stuff like that and I hate it. It makes me all uncomfortable. 

"It's embarrassing." He looked at me and smirked right before stopping the car.

"Cute. We're here."


	20. Chapter 19

Kuroo Pov 

Kenma's eyes were quite wide the entire time walking up to my apartment. He was a lot more interested in where I lived than I previously thought. It was very childlike but cute nonetheless. I was still reeling from him asking to hangout, I hadn't even thought about how much he's preparing to judge my taste when we go into my apartment. He won't be afraid to make fun of me. 

When I opened the door his eyes immediately narrowed as he began to take everything in. 

"Are you sure you're a jock?" Am I sure I'm what? 

"Who said I was a jock?" He's said that before. Do I give off a jock vibe?

"Your build." My... does Kenma look at my body? I smirked at him.

"You look at my body?" 

"It's hard not to look at." He defended.

"I'm choosing to take that as a compliment. So, thank you." He settled down and looked back at the room behind him.

"Your apartment is more put together than I imagined." That feels like an insult and I'm sure it is.

"What exactly did you imagine?" 

"Monochrome. Sports posters? I dunno. Not this." Yikes. Sports posters? Really? I'm sure he imagined the entire thing to be dark blue. 

"I'm a bit offended you thought I might have sports posters on my wall like some kind of degenerate." 

"Well, you give off the vibe." Jesus Christ, Kenma. How much can he deflate my ego in three minutes?

"Really? I thought I looked smart." 

"Maybe you'd look smarter with glasses..." Wow. I can physically see my self confidence dropping.

"Yikes. Do you want something to drink?" he nodded.

"Okay." 

"Great. Like what?" He shrugged and walked over to me.

"I dunno." 

"Very helpful, Kenma. Do you want to go look at what I have?" 

"Yes." I took him to my kitchen and he looked through my fridge and pulled out a small apple juice. "thank you." and then went back to sit on a stool at the counter. 

"I didn't know you like apple juice." 

"Well you also didn't know my Fiance was dead until recently. So, I guess you don't know a lot of things about me." I guess he's more comfortable talking about it, now. Still very uncomfortable though. 

"That's... fair. Do you just not like talking about yourself?" I think I really enjoy talking about myself with certain people... but maybe I'm just an asshole.

"Not particularly, no. But if you want to ask then I don't mind answering." That's very different than his usual straight no. He's a lot different after going to therapy. Even if it's only been a few weeks.

"Really? I always thought you were secretive." 

"Quiet is a lot different than secretive, Kuroo." That's also fair. He used to talk to me a lot less as well.

"That's true... so what about food? I know you drink coffee and apple juice. Do you eat anything?" In case I ever pick him up anything. I'll know what to get.

"Of course I eat." Okay... that wasn't the answer I was going for by that question.

"Yeah, but anything that stands out? Like a favorite food?" 

"Apple Pie." I... what? Knowing Kenma that's probably all he eats if it's his favorite.

"That's dessert." 

"So?" So? I'm concerned for your health.

"So, that's not food." 

"I eat it don't I?" Yes... but no. He looked so cocky yet disinterested. He did an odd mix of emotions as usual.

"That's not the point. It's a miracle you've stayed alive for so long." He really does need someone to take care of him.

"Well I'm doing my best." I know that too.

"I know. Hey, what's your major? You've never talked about that." It's gotta have something to do with literature... right?

"Computer Programming." Oh. Well that's news to me.

"Why?" 

"I want to go into game design, I guess." He'd probably be good at that. He's intricate like that. 

"Actually? That's kind of cool." 

"I know." He looked kind of embarrassed and covered his face.

"I didn't know you like game design." 

"Well I used to really like games..." He did say something about that when he first broke, didn't he. 

"Used to?" He nodded and leaned down on his hands with his elbows propped up. His eyes looked like they might glow if the lights were brighter.

"Well I don't have time anymore." Of course not. He's always at the library.

"Because of the reading." 

"Yeah. Not that I don't want to do it. I like doing it." It's all he does. I don't know how he could not like it.

"I know." 

"It's just I don't have time for anything else..." I'm surprised he does anything with me. Especially since he wants to be reading all the time. I'm fairly certain that's why Kenma doesn't sleep.

"It was a big commitment." He smiled at the counter that he was resting on. He looked very content.

"Yeah. I'm okay with that." 

"It's okay to take a break you know..." I'm not sure he's ever taken a break. That's a bit concerning to me. Especially since he's doing it for the man he's in love with, I don't think he'd ever even considered stopping.

"I'm not gonna do that." 

"I know. Just letting you know." 

"Kuroo have you ever had someone like I had Akaashi?" Oh... that's quite a personal question. I felt thrown off when I started tripping over my words and eventually landing on an answer. 

"No." 

"I bet my feeling for him are a bit confusing then." No. I understand them completely. I think that's why it makes me so sad to see you hurt, Kenma.

"Not necessarily. While I've never personally felt anything like that I can certainly understand it. Even if I never feel it I can understand why you feel like you do and how it works. I don't have to experience it to understand." 

"Do you want it?" All the time. He looked so wistful asking these things. Like even though he's 20 now he's been through more than most people go through in there entire life. It's kind of sad to think he might have more things happen to him.

"Yeah. Yeah I do." 

"I didn't. I really didn't want it. It just kind of... happened." I think there are very few people who truly never want to find love. I think Kenma was that person.

"I think that makes it better." 

"You're kind of a closeted romantic aren't you." His smile after that, when he turned to me, was the most pure smile I had seen on Kenma. One with no sadness behind it.

"Unfortunately, you're probably right."


	21. Chapter 20

Kenma Pov 

Today at the library Kuroo didn't talk to me till the very end. He had been really busy. It seemed a lot of people had decided to come in today. I don't know why but it was like today was special for some reason. They were constantly putting books away and checking new ones out. It looked stressful. He looked stressed. So, I didn't try and talk to him when he left to go somewhere outside for his break. I figured that like me he might want to avoid human interaction even if it's just for a minute. 

When I checked out as the library was closing Kuroo stopped me. 

"Kenma, will you wait till I get off? I have something for you." I didn't actually have any reason to be home so I nodded and sat down at a table next to the entrance. He took maybe ten minutes before coming over to me. "Oh, good you stayed. Come on I have something for you in my car." 

I followed Kuroo to his car and he pulled something out of his passenger seat and handed it to me. 

"What is this?" 

"This my dear Kenma is a journal. I thought that maybe you'd want somewhere to write your thoughts in. Maybe stories? Whatever you want really. I think that if you can have somewhere to talk when you feel uncomfortable talking to other people then you can deal with your emotions better." Kuroo looked a bit proud of himself saying that. His hands in his pockets and hair messy but he knew he had gotten an good and appropriate gift. 

"You got me a journal?" He shrugged.

"Yeah. Oh and a pen that's attached on the side." Pointing to the journal and making me turn it over to see. It was honestly thoughtful and sweet. It always put me off of his usual cocky personality.

"You always get me stuff." 

"Well I'm hoping it's helpful. I thought about it a while ago and then it kept bugging me that you might not have one and so... you're welcome." I wonder how often Kuroo thinks about me. He says that a lot... that he as thinking about me. I wonder if it's true. If he really thinks about me that often.

"Thank you. I don't have one." 

"And if you ever don't want to write something down you can talk to me." Of course he'd say that. I knew I'd write in it. But the extra thought of talking to Kuroo was nice as well.

"That's really nice. It's kind of weird." 

"Well I'm a nice guy Kenma." He defended. He always says that and it's not true.

"No you're not. Just to me." I've never seen Kuroo be genuinely nice to anyone else. He's always teasing and off putting to others. He's quite fake to everyone else. It's odd knowing he doesn't really smile at anyone else.

"Well I think that's good enough." 

"In what way?" I don't think that makes you nice if it's just to me.

"One person is better than a whole lot of people I don't care about. So I'll just focus my care on you. How's that?" He leaned against his car and looked down at me. He was already intent on doing it.

"Overwhelming." 

"Sorry." I wish he wasn't. 

"No, I appreciate it... the care I mean. I've never been good at taking care of myself." I did appreciate it. I wasn't good at saying it. Especially not to him. 

"I've noticed. You barely eat." That's true. I forget most of the time. Akaashi and my mother both said that's why I'm so skinny.

"Well I'm reading." 

"My point exactly." He looked so full of himself being right all the time. It was annoying.

"Well you remind me so it's not a problem." He reminded me all the time. When I walked into the library, when he picked me up from his house, during breaks... pretty much everytime I saw Kuroo he'd ask me if I'd eaten. If not he'd give me something. He was always giving me something.

"So you're saying I get to take care of you Pudding head?" I thought he was over that nickname but the smirk he had on said otherwise.

"If you call me that then no." I really hated that nickname. The comparison was uncanny and that's why I hated it so much. I don't even like pudding that much.

"So without the nicknames... that's a yes?" I guess it was a yes. I mean I had practically told him to take care of me just now, hadn't I?

"That's a reluctant yes." 

"That's better than a definite no." Kuroo wore a wide stupid smile at the fact that I had agreed with him.

"Thank you for the journal." I should be leaving. It's late and we're just standing on the sidewalk next to his car. We had talked for too long and now it would be dark walking home.

"Of course. Do you want me to drive you home?" It was like he saw my thought process just now.

"It's 3 blocks. I can manage." I could but I also knew he would insist. I knew I'd end up in his car listening to some awful music and not walking home.

"But it's cold." It was cold. I had not dressed for it to be cold. I had dressed for the library AC.

"Do you want to drive me home?" That was all that would really decide whether or not he drove me home. It didn't matter if I could do it alone. If Kuroo was there he'd want to help.

"Yes." 

"Then you can drive me home, Kuroo."


	22. Chapter 21

Kuroo Pov 

Kenma agreed to go with me to a cafe this weekend, with some convincing. I made him get up early as to avoid most of the people who might be coming into the cafe at an earlier time. I figured he'd enjoy it more if there were less people and that if the people that were there didn't want to talk to him. So at the moment it's six am and Kenma is slowly walking to my car. 

"Why are we up so early?" His eyes were barely open and he hit the side of the car before getting in because I think he was walking over on pure instinct not actually seeing anything.

"You promised we could go out. I'm taking you out." He looked at me and then put his head on the dashboard to complain again.

"I hate earlier me. Earlier me was a moron." He did look tired. His hair was brushed however so that meant he was getting back in the swing of taking care of himself.

"Well you promised so buckle your seat belt." After doing as he was told we pulled out of the parking spot and left to the cafe. 

The cafe was a small little thing 4 or 5 blocks away from the library. The kind of place you wouldn't notice unless you knew about it and were looking for it. It had no sign on the outside that indicated the inside would have coffee. When you got inside though it was very much a place with a homelike atmosphere about it. I figured Kenma would enjoy it. It's where I went the first time I brought him coffee. 

"I like here." Kenma had visibly become less tense and woken up slightly after seeing the inside.

"You've been here before?" He nodded.

"I used to go. Not so much anymore but I know I like their coffee." I knew exactly what that meant and decided to change the subject.

"Good. What do you want? Tell me so you can sit down and I can order." Realizing the change of subject and the mention of drinks he cheered up slightly.

"Vanilla Cappuccino with extra foam." 

"Specific. Go ahead and sit somewhere." He nodded and left to go sit by the window. 

"Hi. Vanilla cappuccino with extra foam and a coffee black." The girl at the counter nodded and gave me the amount of which I complied and gave over. She looked tired. She looked like Kenma.

"I'm back baring drinks." Kenma flipped close his book and and took the cup from me. 

"What did you get?" 

"It's just black coffee." He scrunched up his face. I hate when he does that. Everytime Kenma doesn't like something you can immediately tell because of how he looks.

"Oh. Of course it is." 

"Don't say it like that. I just didn't want anything sweet." Kenma was so judgy.

"Why did you want to go out?" I knew he'd ask at some point. He always needed a reason from me for me to do anything with him.

"I don't want you to be stuck in your apartment all the time. Being somewhere new is helpful." I wanted Kenma to stop feeling trapped. I knew he did. What he needed was somewhere to go.

"So you took me to a cafe?" 

"Would you rather be somewhere loud?" He thought about it for a minute and shook his head.

"No." I knew that.

"Then this should be fine." 

"It is." Of course it is. That's why I picked it. Because I know you and what you do and don't like.

"Is the therapy helping?" Time for a change of subjects since he's stopped talking.

"I think so. I mean... I feel better. I still think about it though so that hasn't changed." Of course he does.

"I can't imagine you wouldn't. If I lost someone like that I don't think I'd ever stop thinking about it. You're very strong." I don't know how he does it really. He seems so... content at the moment even though his thoughts must be racing. I don't know if I'd ever stop crying if I went through what he did.

"I don't feel strong. I feel very weak actually." He always did.

"I don't see you that way. I think you're doing a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to handle. I know I probably wouldn't be able to even look at the library if it was me." 

"Then... thanks." It still felt odd getting thanks from Kenma. He wasn't the type to thank people.

"Mhmm. So have you been taking care of yourself?" 

"When you aren't there I try to. Cooking is annoying though and I hate it." He's been trying...

"You can cook?" 

"No." I didn't think so.

"No?" 

"No I cannot cook but you told me to take care of myself so I'm cooking." I'm scared for what that might look like. Kenma is very small and I can't imagine he's good with knives.

"Do you... need help?" 

"Youtube is very helpful but I also have no skill." He's going to hurt himself, I just know it.

"I can teach you." 

"You'll teach me how to be a housewife like you?" Fucking asshole.

"Shut up Kenma. Yes." 

"Thanks." His mood flipped and it was like he hadn't just made fun of me.

"Of course. I want you to be able to care for yourself properly." 

"You're a good mom Kuroo." I... I hate this so much.

"I am not your mother." 

"You act like her." I don't know how I should take that.

"You're a whole lot Kenma." 

"Probably. I feel like bugging you though. You give good reactions." He just loved to annoy me. It was a game to him. It was like he wanted to see how far he could push me till I'd leave.

"That's an awful reason for teasing." 

"It's the only reason." It was not.

"Just shut up and drink your coffee."


	23. Chapter 22

Kenma Pov 

Kuroo gave me a journal quite a while ago and I have yet to write in it. Today I've been quite stuck in my head and I can't seem to get to the point I want so... I'm trying to write down what I mean. I've never felt so bad at something before. 

I want to see the world as I had. I'd like to see the sun as something other than bothersome and the morning as something other than difficult. I'd like to see the library as somewhere I love again. I want it all to be how it was. 

But, it can't be... 

I miss the way I felt when I saw him. I miss the love I had. I mostly feel empty save for when I'm with Kuroo. I think that's the only time I'm not in a true state of pain. When Kuroo is with me everything seems not so bad. Or maybe I just think about it less... either way I feel better when he's there. I feel a bit... dependent on him but I never was good on my own. I never was good at doing things like I should. 

What am I even talking about right now? I really have no idea how to write in a journal... Kuroo said just to say what I was thinking... but that seems dumb. 

I guess I rely on Kuroo a lot. I think... I might actually like being with him. He would be the 3rd person ever that I've actually liked. Does my mother count? I counted her... I enjoy Kuroo. I feel dumb writing like this. I'm not sure what I should say... 

I miss Akaashi and I want to see him. That's the same. I think I'm in actual physical pain a lot from missing him. I didn't know you could feel emotional pain but... it must be true since my chest hurts so often when I cry. Does that happen for everyone? Sometimes I feel like throwing up when I think about his dead body. That image came back to me recently and it feels like it's haunting me. I haven't told Kuroo about that. I'm not sure why. I tell him most things actually. Maybe I share too much. I probably do but he doesn't seem to mind. 

Kuroo... 

Kuroo is very sweet to me. He brings me food most days, did I say that? Yeah... Kuroo takes care of me because I have "No preservation skills". I think about him a lot. When I don't think about Akaashi I think about Kuroo. I think it's because he's the only person I ever actually see. 

I really didn't like him at first but Akaashi... no I guess I kept pushing myself to be friends with him. Subconsciously I guess I knew I needed friends. Kuroo's the only one that stuck though. He's been through a lot for me. I'm sure he's traumatized from it. Kuroo is very caring though. He's never told me I've done anything wrong. All he does is care for me. 

I don't know if he wants something back. He says he doesn't but I feel like I should do something for him. Like if I don't give him something or do something for him then I'm taking advantage of him. I should really give him something... 

I should remember that for later. 

Kuroo and Akaashi are very different people. Though they both took care of me. I felt the most loved when I was with Akaashi up until his death. Now I feel the most loved when I'm with Kuroo. I don't think Kuroo loves me... I do think he cares about me though. I didn't think so at first but then he just kept telling me and showing me and at some point it was just so blatantly obvious that he cared about me. I enjoy his care for me. 

Kuroo asked me earlier this week if I'd ever liked anyone in a romantic sense. And of course I said Akaashi but besides him I had no one else to name. I hadn't thought of anyone like that till him or after him. He really was my soulmate, stupid as that is. He seemed sad with my answer. Like he was hoping for something else even though he didn't say it. 

I think Kuroo has a crush on me. 

I don't know when I figured it out but I've started noticing he looks at me in an odd way. He seems mesmerized by me a lot. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do about it though... because at the moment I don't see him that way. I feel uncomfortable at the thought that if he says anything about it he might not like me if I say no. If he waits.... maybe I'll change my mind. 

I think if I liked Kuroo maybe I wouldn't be so sad all the time. That those feelings would overpower my sadness. I think I'd like to have feelings for him. I think it'd be easy to be with Kuroo. To have him love me and love him back. It'd be so easy so I don't know why I haven't yet. 

If I could just fall in love with Kuroo... then maybe everything would work out just a little bit. 

I think I can like him. Maybe I just haven't been looking at him properly... 

The next time I see Kuroo, I'll notice him.


	24. Chapter 23

Kuroo Pov 

I had an earlier shift at the library and I knew Kenma wouldn't be coming in till later. Days like today were long and a it stressful since I couldn't check on him. I enjoyed him being at the library more than I can say and mostly I liked knowing that he was okay. If Kenma was okay then I guess it didn't really matter that I was also there. 

There was exaggerated coughing before Oikawa spoke. 

"Romeo, is there anyway I can get you out of your head and to start actually helping me again?" He was annoyed but not enough for him to stop teasing. 

"He's not in till later." 

"I know. You told me when I walked in." I started picking up the next book to scan as he continued. "It's why you suck today." Wasn't he a pessimistic and salty bitch as ever today? 

"I worry about him." I can't stop, it's all I think about sometimes and it's overwhelming. Sometimes he'll tell me something the day or night before that makes me stop for a while. If Kenma's read something he really liked or had a good day at therapy I feel as though he'll be okay for a while and I worry far less. But other days when he texts me in the middle of the night I know he's had nightmares and I feel scared for him and want to help.

"What are you his boyfriend?" 

"No... I just take care of him sometimes... when he lets me. Kenma's just important." Kenma was very important to me. It's something that developed over time but at some point he was the most important thing to me.

"You like him though." Of course I do.

"Yeah... I like him a lot." 

"It's kind of gross." God I hate Oikawa.

"Hey! Shut up, do your work." I hit him with my current book and continued scanning.

"I am, I am. But it's... kind of sweet. You care so much about him I'd think you were dating if I didn't know." It's been a while since he brought this up. Me and kenma. 

"I can't date him." I really can't even if I want to.

"Oh?" 

"He's got a lot else going on right now so I can't date him. I'm not even sure if he ever even wants to date someone. I think as long as he ends up doing well then us not dating won't matter so much to me." If Kenma's okay then my feelings don't matter.

"But you do want to date him and be his boyfriend, yes? Or did I misunderstand the first time you said you had a crush on him." 

"I like him. I like him a whole lot in a romantic way and yes I would absolutely love to go out with him and do things as his boyfriend. I just don't see something like that ever happening in the future. And again, if Kenma is happy then I'm okay with that outcome." I want to take him on dates and hold hands. I want to kiss him and hold him and be in love together. Of course that's what I want. It's just not something I can realistically take without feeling like I've done something wrong. 

"You don't sound like you just like him." God, he's vague.

"And what do I sound like?" 

"You sound in love Tetsurou-chan." In love? "You sound absolutely head over heads in love with our Kenma. You talk about him the way some selfless and young boy talks about he first person they've ever liked. You talk about him like you're giving him away when in fact he's right here. But you talk abut him like you want nothing more than to see him smile. Isn't that a bit sad that you might be okay giving all that away?" I guess I am in love with Kenma. I hadn't thought about my status of feeling for him moving up but I guess it had without me knowing. I was very much in love with him.

"When did you become a wise old sage?" I teased him and he smiled in his stupid cocky manner. 

"I've always been wise Tetsu-chan, just never needed to use my superhuman intellect on you." I knew Oikawa was an asshole but he was also very smart and kind when he needed to be. He didn't bother me so much like this. 

Eventually Kenma walked in for the day and when he did he stopped in front of the counter and looked at me. He scrunched up his face and looked at me like he was deciding something before giving his books to Oikawa and exchanging them. 

"What was that?" Oikawa leaned over and whispered to me as Kenma took his regular table. 

"I have no idea." 

"Did you do something?" Did I? I think the last thing I said to him was good morning? Maybe he had a bad day? That was... odd.

"Again. I really don't have a clue." Kenma was kind of reading. Mostly he was continuing to look up from his book at me. Seriously what did I do? 

I decided to walk over to him after a push from Oikawa. 

"Kenma, what's up?" I sat down in front of him and he closed his book immediately. 

"Nothing. Why?" Why? You're being super weird. That's why.

"Because you're being super weird today." 

"Oh. I didn't think you'd notice." I- sometimes Kenma had a terrible sense of his surroundings. Someone else might have had no idea because usually Kenma is fairly invisible when it comes to others really looking at him. But the fact that I knew Kenma made his staring very obvious and a bit nerve wracking.

"What? I wouldn't notice you staring at me all suspiciously?" He nodded.

"Yes." 

"I noticed." He looked a bit defeated at that. Like he was genuinely hoping I wasn't going to notice his very obvious attempts to watch me. "So why are you doing it?"

"I'm trying to see how I feel about you." How he feels about me? In what sense?

"Oh? And how do you feel about me?" 

"I don't know." Very helpful. Also cute. He looked cute when he was annoyed like that.

"Maybe you can try again in the car. You should read right now though because you won't have a chance in an hour." 

"You talking isn't helping." It's not supposed to help.

"I don't intend to help. I intend to make you stop looking at me so I can work peacefully." If he keeps looking at me I won't get anything done.

"Sorry." 

"Don't be sorry, just read." 

"I'll read."


	25. Chapter 24

Today is the day I met Kuroo one year ago. Apparently that's a big deal so we're going out tonight. He told me everyday this week, "Guess what Friday is". Really quite annoying of him. Though if it's important to him... I should go. So I am. He got excited when I told him we could go out for our "anniversary".

"Kenma, have you heard anything I just said?" I had not. I shook my head.

"Not one thing." He sighed and re grasped the steering wheel.

"Great. I'll restart my monologue." Oh god. I bet it was embarrassing. I don't like his monologues...

"Can't you just sum up. I know I spaced out but you talked a lot." He always talks a lot when he's reminiscing. It's like a pep speech or something the way he says the words. 

"Kenma. Let me be excited." He was visibly excited for whatever we were driving to go do.

"You... are a huge dork." 

"I'm going to say thank you and move on. So Kenma. One year ago today we met and you said absolutely nothing to me for several days. Isn't that like some sort of meet cute? I think so. Anyways... I remember asking you about your book and you were really annoyed. We talked about Lois Lowry and it was far too short of a conversation but you eventually gave in and talked back after months of work. And now here we are." I guess it had been a while since we met. We'd been through a lot that he didn't mention probably for mood saving reasons.

"You remember too much." 

"You don't remember how we met?" I did. I remembered most or all of it. 

"You talk about it like it's so far away." ... A lot can happen in a year. People can die, fall in love, break down or like me and Kuroo become best friends. At least I hope that's what we are. 

"A year is a long time Kenma." 

"Yeah but you're reminiscing like we're old." I don't feel old. I'm quite young. I'm 21 I've just gotten the okay to drink.

"We are old. Very old. Especially you. I think you dye your hair because your hair is starting to turn grey." He thinks what?

"I do not!" He started laughing at me before he spoke.

"I don't know about that. It's never been fully black." I guess he's never seen it that way. I've always just had pudding colored hair to him.

"I'll grow out my hair and prove to you it's not grey." He kept laughing at me finding my upset tone funny.

"Very intense." 

"Well I don't want to see my barber anyways. He talks too much." He was annoying. He always wanted to have conversation and couldn't read the room at all. I don't know why some people feel the need to talk all the time. It's annoying.

"I can always cut your hair." Can he? I didn't think he'd know how to do something like that.

"You can cut hair?" He nodded, eyes on the road.

"Sure. I can cut hair." Actually?

"I hope you don't mean your own. Your hair looks very much not okay as a reference." He let out a breathy laugh as he pulled over on the side of the road to park.

"I've cut girls hair before. I've cut my moms hair. And I like my hair thank you very much." 

"I like your hair too." I had gotten used to it. At first I thought it looked dumb but now... now I like it.

"Oh yeah?" We were on the side of the road of some kind of reserve or park. Where are we going?

"Yeah." 

"Let's get out of the car and do what we came to do." What did we come to do exactly? I wasn't really clued in. 

He jumped out of the car and led me to the sidewalk after taking several bags out of the car. We started up the side walk away from the car.

"Where are we going?" We're a bit far from the city. Where could we go here? I'd never been this far from the city just for fun.

"I was surprised you hadn't asked yet and just let me drag you around but that my dear Kenma will remain a secret." I hate secrets almost as much as I hate unnecessary effort. This feels like both. It's still on the sidewalk we could have just parked closer to wherever we're going.

"Secrets are dumb. You should just tell me." He took my hand and walked faster. His hands were warm... mine were not. I'd be thankful for any heat exchange going on because I was getting colder by the moment.

"You've come so far just deal with the last 30 minutes of this secret." ...30 minutes?

"Fine." He squeezed my hand.

"Good choice." I guess if he wants it to be a secret then it'll stay a secret.

"Is it going to take 30 minutes to get there because you just said I have to wait 30 minutes." That was going to bug me. How long was I going to have to walk for?

"It's not going to take 30 minutes." He began to swing our connected hands between us as we walked.

"How long then?" I wasn't impatient just curious. I'm not sure he took it that way though.

"Can you just- enjoy my company?" He stopped swinging our hands a bit defeated by my asking but only making my need to know worse.

"I'm enjoying but seriously 10 minutes? 15 minutes?" 

"Oh my god. 5! 5 minutes, Kenma!" He squeezed my hand again and continued on walking.

"Oh cool." I can do 5 minutes.

"Yeah. Cool." He looked sad for some reason and it was probably my asking.

"I am enjoying your company you know. I always do." He smiled down at me and stopped us in our tracks in front of something.

"I hope so. I enjoy your as well." He looked up at the area in front of us and brought me in front of him to see better. "And... we're here."


	26. Chapter 25

Kuroo Pov 

We were standing right in front of a large statue. On the other side there was a bench. Kenma looked at the statue unimpressed and then looked right back at me. 

"We're not here for the statue if that's what you think." Everything about his facial expression screamed confused and disinterested. 

"That is what I think." I saw him relax after realizing we were in fact not here to look at some unfortunate war statue.

"Well sorry to crush your dreams. The statue just happens to be here in front of it all. What we want is on the other side." We walked over to the previously mentioned bench and I started to put down the bags I was holding. 

"A bench?" Of course he keeps guessing. I wish he would just wait for what we're doing instead of looking for options of why we might be here.

"Yup it's a really cool bench, right?" He stopped and then glanced up at me.

"...is it really the bench?" Oh god. He's so serious right now. It's probably because he's cold. His sense of awareness seems to be lowered.

"It's not the bench." He just believed me. I was going to go on with it but he just accepted that that might really have been my plan. He's so very adorable.

"Then what is it?" 

"Just wait. Here take this." I handed him a blanket from one of the bags and we sat down on the bench. We sat rather close together. He was cold still. Hopefully at some point he warms up slightly.

When what we were waiting for started Kenma's eyes lit up. 

"Fireworks." He spoke as his eyes shined red and blue from the new excess light in the sky. His reaction was exactly what I had hoped. 

"Exactly." I was glad he understood immediately why we were here. That he wasn't expecting anything else. Sometimes Kenma could be easy to please.

"They're so bright." He's a bit like a child pointing out things like that. Of course they were bright. He stayed watching the sky not noticing my eyes on him.

"That's the point." 

"This is cool." He had a very small smile on his face as he stared up at the sky. It made me feel like I had done a good job taking him here.

"I think so." And for once Kenma took initiative because suddenly my hand was in his and we were desperately holding onto eachother.

"How did you know we could see them from here? We're so high up." When he was talking all I could think about was him and his very cold hands. Kenma had wanted to hold hands with me just as much as I had wanted with him. 

"I've been here before on accident. They look best from way up here." I remember being upset about something at the time and I drove here parked and got out. It was during the festival and I saw the fireworks all alone. I had always wanted to take someone here but never had anyone to do that with.

"I agree." His smile grew a bit brighter and I was glad for it.

"Your eyes glow more than usual with all the light." That's mostly what I was looking at even though the purpose was to see the fireworks. But god, can you blame me? Nothing has ever been more gorgeous than Kenma Kozume's eyes. That I am sure of.

"They usually glow?" Like honey.

"A bit. They're an interesting color so they stand out." 

"I wish they didn't." Kenma had an innate desire not to stand out in anyway whatsoever. It was understandable but I knew if he wanted to he would have been all people looked at.

"I like your eyes. I find them pretty." Gorgeous. 

"Thanks." He squeezed my hand a bit tighter and shuffled his seating position to be closer to me. 

"Are you cold?" He was I knew he was. He just needed to admit it. 

"Very much so." Good.

"Come here. Give me your other hand too." He did as he was told and came right up next to me on the bench and gave me his other hand under the blanket. I gave his the gloves I ad brought because as much as I had wanted to hold his hands I wanted him to be warm. I also brought out the thermos filled with hot chocolate from one of the bags I brought and gave it to him. 

"What's that?" He held the thermos a little higher as to gesture to it.

"Hot chocolate." He smiled and opened the cap letting steam out of the top.

"You came prepared." He brought the bottle to his lips and drank as I spoke next. I only hoped the hot beverage would warm him up more than I could.

"Well I wanted you to remember this all. And I want you to have a good time." Kenma closed the thermos once more and put it next to him. Then unexpected to me he laid his head on my shoulder and continued to watch the sky. Such a move normally would have brought me into a state of panic but right now all it was was nice and sweet. If we would have just sat here on this bench close together and watching the fireworks till the end of time that would be okay with me. I might be 

"I am. Thank you."

"Good. That's all I want."


	27. Chapter 26

Kenma Pov 

Kuroo and I spent the day in the library once again like we spent most days. However today was his day off. I had told him to go somewhere or sleep in or do really anything else because who would want to spend their day off at their job but he insisted. He told me he'd rather hangout and spend time with me than be anywhere else. So here we are in the library, him technically reading but mostly peaking over his book at me. 

"I can't focus with all that staring you're doing." He stopped trying to hide his looks and finally just looked at me not over the top of his book. 

"I'm sorry. You look very pretty today. Have I said that? I was just noticing how it's tied up. It looks good like that on you." There's a very specific feeling or surprise, embarrassment and then slight happiness that follows as a reaction to when Kuroo gives me compliments like that. Right now I've had a longer period of embarrassment though. For Kuroo to comment on my looks was rare and unexpected. I knew he found me pretty but I was not prepared for a compliment.

"No you haven't said." He was smiling. It didn't look cocky like it usually did though. In fact with me he rarely looked cocky, it was only with others that he did it. He looked genuinely happy and I wasn't sure if it had to do with me or just how he was today but I enjoyed the fact that he was in a good mood. Everything was better when he was smiling at me, that was a fact.

"Ah. Well it's what I was looking at. You and your hair. You just look especially pretty today." Pretty. That word made me feel very all over the place inside my stomach and head. When he said it I knew he meant it and even though I've been called that hundreds of times I liked it especially when he said it because I knew it wasn't all he thought of me.

"You can stop giving me compliments." He closed his book and rested his elbows on the table and his head in his hands not breaking our eye contact. Our very prolonged eye contact.

"I'm just thinking out loud." I hate when he does.

"I wish you'd think it your head."

"Sure. I'll focus back on my book." He went right back to picking up his book and trying not to look at me once more before I stopped him as he flipped to the right page.

"You look nice too you know." He usually did. I think Kuroo doesn't have to put a lot of effort in himself to look as good as he does. I don't say it often in fact I found Kuroo incredibly attractive, in more ways than one.

"What?" Kuroo was not used to my compliments but because he looked so taken aback I felt he needed an explanation.

"You look nice, attractive... handsome. You just... you look good, okay?" I embarrassed myself in the process of giving my explanation but Kuroo didn't seem to mind. He looked very happy at my talking actually.

"Thank you." I guess my compliments did what they should as he looked a mess and happy because of what I'd said.

"You're welcome." I should not have been as embarrassed as I was from just giving compliments. It wasn't new for him to compliment me but the me reciprocating was and it had us both awkward and flustered.

"I appreciate it." I wasn't quite sure how to handle this all and neither was he. For being such a cool person he takes compliments surprisingly poorly.

"Good." I just want to go back to my book and ignore the fact that we've just had this conversation.

"Good." Damn, why did he repeat it? Now it's weird.

"You made it awkward." He laughed awkwardly at that.

"Did I? I was just surprised." I wish it wasn't such a big deal that I had said something nice.

"Well be less surprised." That won't happen. I know that.

"I could definitely try but it might not work." Of course not. I'm sure because he likes me he's thought about me saying something like this to him before but because I actually said it he must be reeling. I know I've done something similar before.

"That's because you're not trying." I felt it easier to tease him like this than anything. It made it normal between us when I did.

"I'm absolutely trying. Look at how stone faced I am right now." ...Stone faced?

"You're smiling." He's trying not to laugh I can tell.

"But it's a serious smile." The fact that he was saying things like that made me want to laugh as well and I hated it.

"Stop I'll laugh." He was grinning like a complete idiot at me when I said that. God, how can one person be so enthralled with another?

"I'd like to see you laugh." I'm sure he would. Kuroo likes to see me happy, I know that.

"I don't want to laugh. Not in the library." Especially not in the library.

"Then let's go somewhere." He always wanted to go somewhere with me. He liked being out or taking me out at least.

"We're supposed to be reading. I have to finish this today." Still, most important to me was my goal which I was making excellent progress on. If I don't finish at least this last book today I'll be disappointed.

"G...Gogol?" I nodded at his slightly off pronunciation of the author's last name. "Gogol can wait. I'm sure Nikolai would be okay if you finished this later." ...Nikolai?

"Did you just call the famous Russian author Nikolai Gogol by his first name." Only idiots and children call an author by their first name. It's insulting, has he learned nothing from school? He's an actual college student and he just said that. 

"Yes. We're friends. Him and The Overcoat can be checked out and read later but us and our adventure wait for no man Kenma Kozume." Oh my god. Everything he says is so embarrassing. I hate when he says things like that.

"Why are you talking like that? It's embarrassing." He was getting up and coming over to my side of the table.

"It fits the mood. Come on." I did want to go. I'd go most places if it was with Kuroo.

"I'll go if you stop talking like that." He smiled and picked up my book, careful to bookmark it for me.

"I'll stop. Let's go."


	28. Chapter 27

Kuroo Pov 

Kenma and I have been together and spending time with eachother more than usual. Usually on my request but recently it's been just something we do. I don't have to ask it's just a given. It's a given that I take him home every day. It's a given that I have him to therapy. It's a given that he waits for me when I'm off late and it's a given that I take him out every weekend. I don't remember the exact moment I had to stop asking but I do know that it happened. 

"Hey are you ready to head out?" I had finished my shift and Kenma looked like he was about at the end of his book. When Kenma looks up at me he always starts off with a very hard gaze. I noticed it one of the first times we met, that everytime he looked at me it was as if he just started off upset immediately. It was his immediate reaction to anyone talking to him. I don't know if he was always like that or if he just ended up that was but I noticed it. I also noticed that a soon as he realized he was looking at me he softened his gaze almost completely. That started quite a while ago but it made me feel a bit... favored, by him. 

"I need to finish the last chapter so I can check this back in but yes after that I'll get the new books and we can go." It'd be more efficient if I went and did something for him. I'll just help and this will go faster.

"I'll check out your new books and you can finish. I'll meet you at the front desk." He nodded at me and smiled a bit. That rare heart warming smile of his that I rejoiced each time I got to see seemed a bit cold right now.

"Okay." I headed off to the counter wondering why he seemed so lost in himself.

When we left the library Kenma was a bit silent. I assumed he was tired and wanted to go home and was immediately corrected as if he knew what I was thinking. As soon as we got into the car he said this.

"Can I go home with you?" Oh? That's not what I had expected. 

"Sure. Any reason?" I always enjoyed having him over and spending time with him but with how he looked it seemed like an odd request.

"I just have something on my mind and I want to talk about it." Ah, so he was in fact not okay. I feel like I should have seen that earlier but I must have been in my own head and unaware of him. I felt sorry for not having seen it.

"Okay. You can decide to stay over or not when we get there." 

"Thanks." It was quite back to my apartment. As soon as he pointed it out it was so apparent that Kenma had something on his mind. He had this face when he was deep in thought that I can't quite describe. 

As soon as we had got inside Kenma went to the kitchen like he lived here or something. I didn't mind much but it was odd seeing how comfortable he was here. 

"Do you want to start or should I wait? What's on your mind?" It was eating at me the not knowing. He seemed so serious right now and it was very unlike him not to be more teasing than he was right now.

"You just did start." Well... yes but no. He looked a bit annoyed which felt like a good sign for me.

"Yeah I know. Is that okay?" He nodded again.

"Yes." He sat down this time with me on the couch and that was an immediate clue as to how this conversation was going to go. He wanted input on something otherwise he would have stayed standing.

"So again what's on your mind?" He breathed in and then sighed before talking.

"You know how you like me?" Why was it said like that? Why had he said it as if it was just something known, something clear, a given. Why did he seem so uncaring about it?

"Wait go back. What do you mean I like you?" I was still shocked by how he said it that the fact that he knew hadn't really settled in with me quite yet.

"Well it's not really a big surprise. I thought about it a lot. All the things you do. I mean you obviously like me so don't say you don't." I did like him. I liked him quite a bit. 

"I'm not denying anything. I just thought you would have waited till I told you to bring it up. Yes, I like you." In fact I was in love with him. I knew that but him realizing it all without me knowing I wasn't sure how to handle. No to mention that he seemed like he had a whole lot more to say about it.

"Yes. I know. Sorry I didn't let you tell me though. I'm sure it would have been sweet how you did it. Just, I have this thing on my mind and that's part of it and I don't really have like... well I don't have friends to tell that kind of thing too so... I'm talking to you." He was looking down by the end of his sentence. I think he might have been embarrassed when saying it. I knew he didn't have any friends and I never thought that might have been a problem for him.. but right now it surely seemed so. 

"Well we're friends." I was also his only friend though and it often made me feel poorly about liking him because of that very fact. It felt like I had hurt him because of it by tainting my side of our relationship.

"Yes. But it'd be ideal if I wasn't talking to you about your crush on me." That's true. 

"Oh. Yes, that would be ideal but I don't mind." Not if it's him.

"Because it's me. I know." He can read my mind sometimes and it's terrifying. 

"So what have you been thinking about." He had so much to say and it felt like he was trying not to scream it all out at once. He was holding it in very calmly.

"If I like you what does that mean? Because... for me that feels like I don't like Keiji anymore. Like... like I'm betraying him. Like I'm pushing him away." Oh... I had thought about that a lot actually. How it might be if he did like me and what that might mean. But... I thought about how I might feel about it all if I was to be Kenma too. It's how I made most of my decisions on our relationship.

"Oh... so you think if you like me that means you don't love Akaashi?" It seems insane doesn't it? But it's the automatic response. Fear, that is. Everything new is terrifying.

"Yes. That's what it feels like." But it's not true.

"Alright but... but you do love him, yes?" He looked so lost at the question. Of course he loved him. Of course Kenma loves Akaashi. Of course and that's why him hearing it out loud is so important. It's so obvious but he just doesn't know how to get to where I know he can go. I can only assume that's why he's talking to me.

"Yes." He looked like he was so unbelievably tense right now. He was bursting at the seams with anxiety and it was so uncomfortably obvious.

"And you like me?" I enjoyed that fact quite a bit.

"Yes." Then it all feels simple to me.

"But you're always going to love him. I don't think you're betraying him if you move on. You're always going to love Akaashi. That's just how it works. You don't fall out of love with someone like that. Especially not someone who you've gone through things like that with. So I don't think you don't love him." If I fell in love with someone and spent that amount of time with them just to watch them fall apart and die, I don't think I'd ever get over it. I don't think my feelings for them would ever stop because the way it ended... it's incomplete. They were meant to be together forever but it had to stop, so no I don't think Kenma doesn't love him because if it were me that's how I'd feel. And by all those god awful circumstances I've gotten to be with Kenma for at least this long and it makes me feel awful to think I might be glad that he's here because of all that's happened that feels wrong.

"It's just... hard. Because it's been 3 years but he's just still very important to me. I just want it to be easy." Of course he is. Kenma was looking for something. An answer I guess.

"Well it's not going to be easy. Not with a relationship like that. It's always going to hurt when you think about it. I'm not sure that's just going to get easy. I can try to help and talk but the physical pain of it all, that's not something I can just make stop. I think maybe the fact that you still hurt over it shows you still love him." I don't want Kenma to be in pain forever but that's how it might be isn't it? Anytime he thinks about it it would be very hard not to want to cry over something like that.

"But I like you too and that's confusing to me." I didn't think I'd feel so torn up about what to do about that. What can I say to him to not turn him down and still be a god friend to him. 

"I think that's okay but you know... obviously I want that. So I'm not here to push. I think that if you want me that's something you have to figure out on your own. I can't help you because I have to much I want for myself in this." Because I want him. God, I do want him but... not now. That can't be how we start.

"I know. Just... thanks I guess." He looked less than calm but more so than before. It was like I could tell his chest hurt just from here.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm not helpful." He shook his head at that and looked up at me.

"No no, you're good. You're always helpful. I just have an idea of what I should be thinking about now." It hurt my heart to see the conflict on his face and the way he smiled with so little meaning behind it.

"I'm glad you told me." I was. I really was.

"Yeah well I wasn't trying to hide it." 

"I'm just glad you're here and talking to me and all of that. The you liking me is an added bonus though." I do want him to like me. In fact I wanted it so very badly but I think if we had just continued as we had that would have been okay too. As long as he just stays here with me, then everything else is okay.

"Yeah, well my therapist said that if you want to talk to someone you just do it. You don't think about how it's going to do or the response time or any of it. You just do it because you want to. If they don't respond then you can move on. But I guess... you keep responding and I keep wanting to so I do." The fact that Kenma had followed advice like that meant he really had grown.

"I'm glad you want to."


	29. Chapter 28

Kenma Pov 

I did stay over at Kuroo's house that night. He comforted me even knowing about my conflicted feelings for him. I've thought about how I feel a lot since then. It's been very confusing for me and I think it makes me want to cry really bad sometimes but the tears don't seem to come out. Sometimes I think I've just stopped working all together, like my emotions are on pause and waiting for someone else to press start. I think occasionally when I'm with Kuroo that's how it works, like I'm just blank until he interacts with me. I'm not sure that's correct on my part. I'm not sure any of it is actually but I do know that when my emotions start for this that it can't be Kuroo who initiates it. That I should be the one to cry alone before anything happens, or I'll just continue to be built up and on the verge of something self destructive and awful continuously.

This week I've prepared myself for what I'm about to do. I feel very weak having to force myself like this although I know it's what I'm supposed to do. I always did make my best decisions when he was around. 

I'm visiting Keiji's grave once more today. I hadn't been able to bring myself to do it since I first went and Kuroo found me. Everytime I thought about going I felt like I might cry. It all feels very very real when I see his name etched in stone on that hill. I don't like to think about how he's under the ground when I visit him. I don't like to think about how he isn't looking and waiting for me anymore. I don't like the thought of any of that. But I should see him because Kuroo is right, I do love him. 

So now that I'm standing here next to his grave by the tree on the hill all alone at the graveyard with no one visiting but me, I feel in pain. How is it that it still feels like a new emotion everytime I think about him? It's like I'm realizing it for the first time over and over again and it hurts just the same everytime. How much pain can I possibly go through to make myself realize you're not here with me anymore? 

"Akaashi.... I know you're not here right now. I just... I'm going to talk. You never did like talking much so maybe it's not weird that I'm the only one talking now." He was stoic and calm and all kinds of things and he was wonderful for me. It feels very odd and right to be talking to myself or at him. I'm aware he can't hear me but I'm not sure who else there is for me to speak to about this.

"I wish you were but Keiji it's... I miss you and I wish I knew what I was doing like I did when I was with you. I feel very lost and I couldn't think of who else I was supposed to be talking to about this. It was always you with the good ideas, wasn't it?" I felt it becoming hard to talk. My throat felt sore and my words were coming out choked. I was crying now as I sat down in front of his grave. My tears felt endless and my heart felt tight at m thoughts and the sight of his grave. I did not want to cry. It felt very agonizing, the tears. 

I had often been told that crying made people feel better. That you'd feel better if you cried. That was not true for me, not now at least because right now the entirety of my body felt like giving up from the hurt that came with these tears.

"Keiji... I found someone new I'm in love with." That was a phrase I never thought I might say. It was true, I knew that but it felt very wrong to say to him. I love you too but it's not just you anymore.

"He's sweet to me. He treats me well but you're right... its different the second time." There really shouldn't have been a second time. When I think about that I feel badly. I love Kuroo but sometimes I wish I hadn't met him because being happy without Keiji feels more upsetting than I can possibly put into words. In my head if I hadn't met Kuroo that means Akaashi would be here and I know that's not true but it's what runs through my mind occasionally.

"He's not you and I think about you a lot but... I really do love him." I do love Kuroo. I love Kuroo very very much and when I realized that I didn't feel anything but guilt. I know Akaashi wouldn't have wanted me to feel that way. I know he would have been okay with it. I know he would have wanted me to be happy so why, why am I crying so hard right now. Why is the pain in my chest so apparent and obvious and why do I keep thinking it's wrong to love Kuroo when I know it isn't? When I know Akaashi would have loved me all the same and wanted me to keep living...

"I didn't think I'd fall in love with someone else... but I have." I thought he was it. I thought that in the entire world all I had was Akaashi and that would have been true if he had stayed with me. But the world is quite large and Kuroo was meant for me too.

"I think he would have gotten along with you. I think you would have been proud. I miss you. Thank you..." 

I meant Thank you for a lot of things. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being with me for so long. Thank you for letting me have someone new. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for helping me. And thank you for knowing exactly how I feel. 

I know Keiji isn't there listening to me but I also know that if he was right here next to me he would have understood every single word I said and every word I didn't. He would have known it all and so I said less than I could have because he already knows. 

"I love you." Were the last words I said to him before I left, knowing I'd make myself visit at a later date, painful or not.


	30. Chapter 29

Kenma had called me quite late in the evening the last night asking if we could meet up today. He had told me it was important and that he wanted to see me as soon as possible. But when I saw him in the morning he was bundled, cold and shivering, eyes darting, dressed nicer than usual when I arrived to pick him up, he was standing on the curb.

Since it was December, Kenma had black pants on, fitting to his legs that went with black combat looking boots that were probably actually snow boots. He wore a flowy white sweater with a large red jacket over and a belt. It seemed like for the first time Kenma had seriously planned his outfit. He also looked incredibly nervous when his eyes darted to me. 

It took a matter of seconds for Kenma to get in the car. He was colder than I previously thought. 

"Hey, do you want the heater on?" I turned it on without even hearing his answer. I knew it was a yes.

"Yes please." I turned and put my eyes back on him. He was clenching and un-clenching his hands in a anxious fashion. 

"Okay. Tell me if it gets too hot." He just nodded shortly and kept his eyes on his lap.

"Okay." I wonder if he's okay. He looks like something is bugging him.

"Where to now?" I started the car while asking that and he shook his head at the question.

"Anywhere is fine. I just wanted to see you. To talk to you." Oh, so I guess I'm deciding then. I looked back at him as I pulled away from the curbside. 

"Hey are you okay? You look nervous." I instinctively reached my hand over to hold his with my hand that wasn't on the wheel. It felt like a comforting move but it wasn't thought through and I was very aware of that when Kenma looked from our hands to me and tensed up, eyes large and wide at the action. "Sorry." I pulled my hand back and he gripped tighter. 

"It's fine. You're warm." Kenma's hands were just like last time, unreasonably cold. His long fingers were giving him a tight grip around my hand. He looked up at me still clearly nervous, "I'll be less nervous after we talk. Don't worry." He tried really hard to smile at me after that but it came out looking very small and tight across his face. 

"Is the usual cafe okay?" That's where I had been driving too. I'm sure it's open at this hour. I would have gone to a park or something but Kenma was so cold that that didn't seem appropriate. 

"Umm can it be somewhere more... private. I don't want there to be other people around when we talk to be able to hear us." He looked up at me and back at his hands in an awkward fashion.

"Oh. Of course. So you're okay being outside?" He nodded once more.

"Yes. That's fine." I'm surprised he seems so cold.

"The park? No one should be there at this hour." He nodded again as if speaking was too much originally and words were hard to form.

"The park is good." 

When we had gotten to the park Kenma immediately left the car without a word or glance. If I wasn't realizing how nervous he was before I was noticing it now because that was one of the most abrupt and awkward things I had seen Kenma do and Kenma as a person is quite awkward. 

"Hey, Elizabeth Bennet slow down!" I shouted at him half way out the car and now closing the door. He stopped maybe 20 paces from me clearly realizing he was walking away with nowhere to go in mind. 

"You read the book?" He turned around and looked at me, surprised.

"Yes. I've been reading more classics for you." I wanted to be able to talk to him about something more, and all he does is read. It seemed right.

"Oh. Well it wasn't three miles." I'm not sure if he was checking my knowledge on the reference or simply stating that the accurate distance for my joke was off.

"You were far away, it was a reference you would have got, so I said it." I caught up to him before he responded.

"It was funny." I don't know where he wants to go in the park. 

"I thought so. Do you want to go to a bench of just find somewhere you like?" That's a stupid question.

"There's a bridge here umm with water actually probably ice. I like there." I'm certain there's a reason but Kenma avoids all park benches like they're a plague. I've realized not to comment on it but I think it's got to do with his dead fiance. I'm proud of him now though, when he does come to parks. 

When we got to the bridge I saw why he liked it. It was pretty and he was right the water under the bridge was frozen and it all looked quite picturesque. Him included. He put his arms on the rail and looked at the lake before speaking again. He looked calm right now. He wasn't nervous, he was perfectly still save for his hair blowing to the side occasionally because of the wind. Kenma was absolutely wondrous in that moment. His change in action and face since just five minutes ago was astounding. 

"You know, I've read a lot of great books, Kuroo." I didn't speak, I just looked at him on the bridge 5 or 7 paces from me wind in the hair looking absolutely stunning. His face was pale and his cheeks were flushed from the cold but he didn't shiver once. He looked strong and prince-like. "And in each book I've read I haven't seen one person be as selfless as you." He turned and looked at me, now not leaning on the bridge and looking at me straight on. "There have been many characters in love before but no one could ever act quite like you do. No one would ever put someone before them as many times as you have for me. You must be insane to love me as much as you do. And I've figured it out why I don't mind you being with me, why I've grown to crave your attention, why every morning I'm wishing you were there and that you might be thinking of me. I know now that I love you. I didn't think I could after losing Keiji because he means the world to me, he still does. But you... maybe you mean the world to me too and I think I'm okay with that. I love you and if it was too hard to wait for the long game with me then I understand but I love you and you should know that because you deserve to be loved. You deserve a lot more than I can give you but I want you anyways. That's what I wanted to tell you." 

And by the end of Kenma's great speech I was crying. I had wanted to hear those words for over a year and everytime I thought of how we did it I assumed it would be me to take the first step but he... he's grown. Kenma is strong, and Kenma can confess his love because of that. I didn't know how I might feel when he said that or what he might say but all of it my emotions and his words were wonderful. I had never been so happy as I was at this moment. 

"Kenma, I would have waited a hundred years if it meant you'd say those words to me. Honestly, I would have waited even if I knew they never would have come. You, the most wonderful person in my world, are worth waiting for. I love you... I love you too." And I had never meant something so strongly as I did those words in that moment.


	31. Chapter 30

Kenma Pov 

It felt like the most normal thing in the world, being with Kuroo these past four months. He has since graduated and currently works full time at the Library. It's not where he'll stay, I know that. He's over qualified and should be working somewhere in his field. When he decides to leave, I think I might be sad however. I'll still be here reading and he won't keep me company any longer. I can't imagine what that would be like. 

That idea hurt less when Kuroo had asked me to move in with him however. It was an easy and yet all together overwhelming choice to make. I did not want to leave my current apartment because it reminded me of Keiji. And yet I said yes to moving out for that very reason. I could not keep sleeping in my bed knowing he had slept their too. I couldn't keep looking at the rooms and seeing how unbearably empty they were. It was all so very empty. He had made the apartment glow in a way but it was all very dull now, in a new way that I could no longer keep noticing everyday without being in pain in some sense of the word. 

Today I'm boxing my important things to bring over to Kuroo's apartment. Most of it I had already gotten too over the past week but today the last of it was going into boxes. Certain things I couldn't leave behind. 

"You're going to bring all your books?" I looked around me at all the books I had around me and decided to keep. I wonder if he in fact felt uncomfortable with the place the books had come from and if that is why he asked. I felt sorry to think so.

"If it's okay, yes." I gazed up at him from where I was in front of the well organized bookshelf in my living room. These were things I could not bring myself to part with no matter how much I thought about it.

"Of course it's okay it's just... aren't you moving out because you don't want to be reminded of Akaashi? Won't this so the opposite? Keeping his books I mean." Well that's not it exactly. I haven't decided to leave because of him. I've decided that it hurts to much to keep being where he should be without him. I can't keep living here if he isn't who I come home to.

"I'm not leaving because of him. I'm leaving because of me and his books are important to me so they're going where I go. I don't have anything else left of him to hold onto." I think I cried too much around Kuroo and that's why right now I was holding my tears back thinking about this. I was holding everything back thinking about him.

"I didn't mean... I'm sorry. We'll move the bookshelf in too so you can see them. I'll make space." He was so kind to me and dealt with so much. I know he gives a lot more than he takes and that I have nothing to make up for that. I know that.

"Thank you. I'm sorry." The look in his eyes when his stare was on me was not one of pity as it maybe should have been. Instead it was one of love and he looked just glowing with that feeling.

"Why are you sorry?" For so many things really. Things I often can't control and should apologize for because of that.

"I keep thinking how about how much you're dealing with. Somehow it keeps coming back to him no matter how long it is. And I always force myself not to cry because it's been almost been four years and I'm still broken up about it." I don't know if could explain to someone else what I feel like when I think about all that has happened. I don't think I have the words to tell someone how much pain I'm in. It feels very lonesome being the only one who knows how absolutely distraught the situation makes me and how hard it is not to cry even after such a long time. I don't think I can give anyone that feeling to make them understand but Kuroo... Kuroo does his best anyways to understand. And for that I am eternally grateful.

"I don't really ever expect that not to be the case, Kenma. I'm okay if you talk about him to me you know. I don't feel bad about it just because he was your fiance. I know you love me. I don't feel jealous just because of your past. I'd be incredibly insecure and stupid to do something like that. Do you ever not talk about him because of that?" Oh... Do I not talk about Keiji to Kuroo to spare his feelings? Oh...

"Yes. I do." All the time I suppose.

"You can. I won't mind. Like umm what was his favorite book? It's one of these right? You must have kept it." He asked now looking back at the books and trying to get me to talk. Even though it wasn't about him even though we're in love he'd still ask about Keiji because Kuroo is a truly too good for this world.

"Yes. It's one of these. Though I wouldn't call it his favorite. He probably would never be able to choose one specific book with how much he read but I do know he read this one in particular quite a few times." I took it from the shelf near the top, the shelf had been organized by author and this had been at the top. "Emma." 

"Is that why you like Jane Austen?" I thought back to how Keiji and I met and for some reason me knowing Jane Austen made me smile. Keiji might have been proud that I was speaking about her. He might have held a sense of enjoyment from knowing I liked her too.

"I liked Jane Austen far before Akaashi spoke to me about her but I do like that book a lot more knowing he also enjoyed it." He loved Emma and I have read it several times because of that.

"Was he a romantic? I mean, this is kind of a romantic book, correct me if I'm wrong." I guess Emma is a romantic book. I hadn't really thought much about that.

"I don't think that's exactly why he liked it. He had a thing for words and the way people described certain things. And he... I wouldn't say he was a romantic but he wasn't unloving. He didn't find romantic things to be interesting but he would do them sometimes because he knew I'd find it charming. He did it to please. That was all." Kuroo was interested or feigned interest really well because when he asked things I had really wanted to answer. I had felt like he cared and he probably did. He was very good at making me feel that way... cared about.

"Ah. And he read all of these?" He stood behind me and took both my hands as we looked at the bookshelf together. He was close and for me that was comfortable.

"Of course. He was the one that wanted to read the library. He thought books were the best thing he'd ever seen and you could tell that everytime he walked into the library. Not because he got excited but because he would relax immensely as he set foot into the aisles." He never got actually excited, not really. He might have said it but if you looked at him you knew his capacity for that would never go so far as genuine excitement.

"He must have been very smart." Kuroo had now let go of my hands and wrapped his arms around my torso in a very protective way so I could lean back of him. He had a need for physical contact that I was very bad at living up to. I would do my best to be near him because honestly I wanted it but he needed contact more than I was currently giving so this might have been enjoyable for him.

"Most intelligent person I've ever met. Even at fifteen." Some people you can just tell are intelligent, by the way they talk or even by observing them. Keiji was one of those people, you looked at him and you just knew he was more intelligent than everyone else in the room. Kuroo on the other hand did not show that. Even though Kuroo was incredibly intelligent as I constantly learned he did not push everyone else to know that. It was like a secret but he was content with just him knowing that he was more intelligent that everyone he met.

"Did he write? People that read a lot are supposed to be better at writing especially if they read diverse and complicated things like he had." He squeezed me and brought me out of my own thoughts and back to his questions.

"He wrote beautifully." Some of the most gorgeous sentences I've ever read when he wrote seriously. It was something I don't think I could replicate even with years of practice. You can't replicate a style of someone with that many complex emotions, it never comes out the same way. I knew that.

"I can imagine. Did you keep it? His writing I mean." Of course.

"I did." He nodded into my shoulder and glanced at me.

"Maybe you'll do something with it. Something you can remember him by." 

"Maybe."


	32. Chapter 31

Kuroo Pov 

There are certain things I was prepared for as a boyfriend who lives with their partner and certain things that I could not possibly have been mentally ready for. I was ready in my mind maybe. I had imagined it many times over but when it happened this was not something I could have handled on my best days. 

So when Kenma kissed me on the cheek as a kind of thanks for bringing him dinner the first night we spent in the apartment together I felt like I malfunctioned. I just stood there staring straight ahead before Kenma spoke up. 

"Why do you look like that?" I just kept looking on ahead and brought my eyes back down to him as he looked at me confused.

"You kissed me." This was new for us. We had been together for a bit and we had neither done that nor kissed in general. I had assumed it would be much longer before anything like that.

"I mean... it was on the cheek." And yet with all of my shocked feelings Kenma looks completely unfazed. 

"Yeah but... we've never done that before." Though I'm sure he had done that quite a lot with his past fiance.

"So?" That's probably why he looks so unfazed and why he doesn't feel odd about it all.

"So I don't know what to do." Kenma was eating while I just stood there gaping at him like an idiot so pent up over that one kiss. My stomach had most definitely been taken over by butterflies in this moment.

"I thought you were suave Kuroo. No one's ever kissed your cheek before?" And of course I have been in a situation like that before but I have never been in love and this is completely different. And maybe it's lame but honestly I don't care because I'd like it to happen again.

"No, you've never kissed my cheek." It's because it's Kenma.

"I don't know I thought that was normal. We're together, right?" Kenma was severely underwhelmed by what was happening right now.

"Right." 

"So I can do that right?" Yes but preferably with warning. Much warning.

"Yes. Please, yes." He stopped eating for a second and gave a hint of a laugh at probably my expression.

"So again, why do you look like I just curb stomped your cat?" Is that what I look like? How unfortunate. 

"I'm in shock." Probably too much for the situation. 

"You're lame." He let a full laugh out that was much quieter than most everyone else's is but it had no less joy in it than everyone else.

"I'm fully aware." And embarrassed.

"Can I shower? I feel gross." He had soon finished his meal and was standing up and turning to me for his question that honestly I don't think needs answering.

"Yes. I mean... you don't have to ask. You live here." Maybe it's odd for him? Like he still feels like he needs to ask permission and that it isn't fully his apartment as well. Though for us that's out of character for him.

"I'm asking if I can shower first. As in before you. I'm aware I can shower in general." Oh... oh.

"Right." I nodded curtly and he motioned toward the shower.

"So that's fine?" I nodded once more feeling dumb for doing it twice.

"Yes. I put your products in there already so... yeah." Jesus Christ Tetsurou what the fuck.

"God you're awkward." He laughed and turned to walk to the showers stopping at the door way before the hallway with the shower and bedroom connected down the wall.

"I have no idea why." I'm too much of a mess for this. How am I doing so poorly of acting normal around him?

"Keep it together while I'm gone." I would if I could. Believe me.

"I'm really trying."

Kenma had taken his time in the shower which presumably took more time because one, he's never used this shower before and two he has long hair. He came out looking just as pretty in sweatpants and a far too large t-shirt with his towel hung over his shoulders. His hair was still wet and falling in front of his face slightly. Gorgeous. 

"You can shower I'm going to dry my hair." I think most of our exchanges have been short but I don't mind that so much. He doesn't seem to enjoy talking as much at home. Not that Kenma talks a whole lot in general. This is just a different kind of quiet. 

After finishing my shower I walked out to Kenma reading on my... our? bed. It was something I wouldn't mind seeing more often. It felt conventional maybe, and I enjoyed that. 

Going to sleep with Kenma there was a task on it's own. I hadn't realized how little Kenma truly slept till today. Kenma continued reading even after we had both gotten under the covers and he continued to do that for another hour or two. It was quite late and Kenma was still reading. 

"Kenma go to sleep." Something about that statement made him snap into reality and he turned to look at me over his shoulder. 

"Am I keeping you up?" He looked worried about that fact like he hadn't realized I was awake.

"Yes but that's not why you need to stop. You need to sleep." He nodded and book marked his page and put it on the nightstand. After turning off the light he slid down farther under the covers, no longer sitting up in bed. 

Kenma and I slept a bit far from eachother mostly due to the fact that Kenma slept awkwardly in the bed with his limbs bunched and yet very spread. I'm not sure how he can be comfortable. Nevertheless I fell asleep shortly after the lights went out. 

Later in the night I woke up to movement and heavy breathing. I jolted up in bed and saw Kenma still asleep and clearly having a nightmare, curled into a ball with tears streaming down his face. He was shaking. 

I went to wake him up and moved myself toward him and got him up. When Kenma woke up the first thing he did was apologize. 

"I'm sorry did I wake you up?" His eyes were wide and he was still shaking. Yet, he apologized. Kenma...

"Kenma, hey are you okay?" I took one of his hands in my own and tried to be reassuring.

"I'm... I'm fine." He is not fine. No one wakes up like that and is fine.

"Can I hold you?" Kenma's eyes overfilled with water at that as he burrowed himself into my arms and onto my lap. His tears making my shirt wet with the amount of water. 

I wonder if Kenma sleeps like that everyday. I wouldn't want to sleep either if that was how I woke up. I wonder if he's always had such violent night terrors or if they were because of the past trauma. I can't believe Kenma's been dealing with this on his own for so long. 

When Kenma finally calmed down from his night terror he continued to lay in my arms with his arms wrapped tightly around my back. He didn't move when I loved us to laying down either. He just continued to grip my shirt and breath rhythmically. In fact Kenma fell back asleep like that. I would have done anything to keep him sleeping well.


	33. Chapter 32

** Kenma Pov **

Waking up in Kuroo's arms was like being overwhelmed by the warmness of love. If he had not noticed I was awake we would have stayed that close for much longer and maybe I wouldn't have minded that. I hoped to wake up like that continuously until the end. 

"Kenma are you awake?" I pushed myself closer into his chest and mumbled an incoherent 'yes' back to him. "Do you want to get up?" 

I did not want to get up but the way he said it made it sound like he wanted to get up. So I rolled away from him and sat up, blinking slowly and adjusting my eyes to the brightness of the room. 

"You don't have work today." I pointed out something obvious that both of us knew. I'm not sure why. Maybe I wanted to point out our availability.

"I do not. And you don't have school today." He had caught on to what I was doing when he asked that. 

"Also correct." He sat up with me and moved to face me, legs still under the covers. 

"Do you want to pick up your new books now or later?" It had slipped my mind for the moment that that was something I needed to do today. Maybe it was the new apartment but I wasn't focusing on what I usually did as easily here.

"Let's do it now." I moved from under the covers to on top of them and stretched my limbs out. I felt sore. Probably from how I slept or how much I slept. Kuroo sleep early. I wasn't used to that. 

"We can hangout today if that sounds enjoyable. I'd like to hangout." He said the last part as to tell me that he wasn't offering it because I looked and sounded like I wanted to hangout with him. That he was doing it because he wanted to see me more.

"What if I say no?" Though I felt like teasing him for it even though I obviously wanted to hangout.

"Then I'll hangout alone." ...Alone?

"You can't hangout alone." That's not called hanging out. That's called being by yourself.

"Sure I can. If I think really hard I can pretend you're reading next to me." ...That's one of the worst things I've ever heard. I surely hope that's a joke because I can't imagine Kuroo actually doing that.

"We can hangout so you don't look stupid going through with your plan B." He'd look like a moron pretending like that.

"I appreciate you being concerned for my image." Probably not. I probably wasn't concerned for Kuroo's image but...

"Yeah well I can't have a stupid boyfriend. That'd ruin my image." That might be somewhat of a joke. A serious joke. I would never date anyone stupid. I couldn't dull myself down for someone else. That seems wrong in my head.

"I thought you didn't care what other people thought?" He spoke teasingly. 

"I don't. But you'd kill my brand." He would. I think I'm seen as a certain way and even dating someone at all must look odd to other people. Not that I know any other people that don't work at the library.

"I'd be terribly sorry for it. You'd better hangout with me today then." That was a cute response. Kuroo always had cute responses.

"I will." I wanted to.

"For your brand?" He teased. He knew why. We both knew why. But he made jokes regardless. I didn't mind that. I maybe enjoyed going along with them. It made things lighthearted. 

"Yes. That." 

"And because you love me?" Only that.

"That too." He smiled and got out from under the covers and stood up.

"Then we better get changed because I have a lot I want to do if I get to have your time and attention today." He went to the closet and started pulling things out.

"No one said anything about attention." He whipped his head around and gave a soft glare. One that meant o harm but to show fake feelings of being upset.

"I demand your attention." I enjoy giving it to you.

"Well... if it's a demand." 

"Then?" He looked hopeful. But in a way only Kuroo could make hope look.

"Then no. I would do it to make you happy though." That was why. He seemed to like when I paid attention. When he could talk and I would respond with thought out answers. Because sometimes just presence wasn't enough. He couldn't read me the way Akaashi did and so this was what he needed.

"Kenma... you can't say that." He liked my response. 

"Why not?" I can see on his face though it's odd.

"Because when it comes from you it makes me feel far too happy and that's not okay." He's embarrassed I think. It was odd to see him like that. It was childish and I enjoyed it.

"But I like your smile." He looked somewhat pretty when he smiled genuinely.

"Seriously stop." He hid himself from me with his hands.

"You won't smile then?" I could tell he was blushing.

"I- fuck. I'll smile." He must be really embarrassed by all my prodding. He was not used to being on the receiving end of the teasing.

"Move your hands. Show me your face." 

"You are the most embarrassing." He moved his hands and he was in fact smiling and blushing and overall very cute. I didn't think Kuroo would be such a cute person but he was. He got embarrassed by things I said easily and he often made the mistake of falling into my traps. He was adorable and unexpectedly so. 

"I apologize." I don't enjoy being embarrassed but I was making him feel so out of my own wants and pleasures.

"Don't, I love you." Another good response. I'm not sure how he can never say the wrong thing.

"Thanks." He didn't like my answer and furrowed his brow as he took all the clothes he'd picked out and put them on the bed.

"Thanks?" 

"I love you too." I had not said that before. I should have realized he wanted me it say it back.

"Thanks." ...I hate that.

"Copying is rude." It's annoying.

"So is saying thank you to someone saying I love you." ...That's true.

"Don't give out good points." I don't enjoy being proved wrong.

"I'm full of good points." Unfortunately. 

"I know. ...Hey Kuroo." I have a lot on my mind that I wanted to say but... but I waited because I like seeing him in a good mood. I like seeing him smile and I never know how he'll react to my thoughts.

"Mhmm?" 

"Thank you for last night. For being there I mean." I had been alone for all my panic attacks and night terrors and sleepless nights. It was odd not being alone last night I had wanted so badly to have them all stop for so long. I never dealt with them well but Kuroo... Kuroo dealt with everything well.

"I always want to be there for you. I'm glad I can be here for you now and I'm sorry I wasn't before." And he would still blame himself for not caring for me when he didn't know.

"Well you didn't know before." I hadn't even told him how I slept or didn't every night. He couldn't have helped me.

"I would have helped you then too. I hope you know that." But he wanted to. Of course he wanted to.

"I did. I do." I always knew that. He just radiated compassion and care for me. Just me. 

"You can wake me up if it happens and you wake up before me too." Always for me.

"I know." 

"I'll always help you." He was good at everything. I couldn't even be upset about it.

"Thank you... for being here with me. For staying." I needed him to stay. There were so many times when it would have been acceptable to leave. When no one would have blamed him if he just up and left. He never did though. He never left.

"Well I'm in love with you and I care about you and if you're okay then that's all I want." Another fantastic response. It kills me that I can never say anything as reassuring or comforting as that. Nothing is as perfect.

"You're really good at talking you know." Far too good.

"You think?" I know.

"Yeah. It's embarrassing but it's always good. You know what to say and how to make people feel okay. You make me feel okay." He always does. It's a talent of his. He always has the right words for me.

"Then I'm doing my job correctly." And he sees it as a duty. He's wonderful.

"You were always like that. After I let you talk to me I mean." He was bad at talking when we first met but I think that's because I hated him.

"Yeah you were hard to talk to when we first met." On purpose. I regret that.

"I know." I pushed you away over and over.

"You had an intense aura and thick walls built around you." So he could tell? He was so persistent though. 

"I know but you didn't care." I thought he might be stupid originally because he couldn't read any of the social clues I was putting out but no, he just didn't care.

"I just wanted to talk to you. That's all." Somehow it worked with him. Maybe I didn't push enough or maybe Kuroo was just always that good at talking.

"I'm glad you did." Because now I love you.

"At the time you were really annoyed with everything I did." Because everything you did was insanely annoying to me.

"You were annoying." And I hated you.

"You made that obvious." And you didn't leave.

"You're not so annoying now." I smiled at him and he began to actually change. He took of his shirt.

"That's not a compliment." It felt like a compliment.

"Now you're charming." He put on a new sweater and he seemed to enjoy what I said.

"...Yeah?" Kuroo was fast at changing probably because he barely had accessories. The only thing that took a while to put on would be his boots but those were at the door.

"Mhmm. You're like a cheeky prince." He raised his eyebrows and thought about my compliment.

"I'll take it." He crawled over onto the bed in front of me.

"Good. I have nothing else." 

"So your books?" Oh... right.

"Right. I need change." 


	34. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have a time-skip this chapter and in the upcoming chapters. Keep that in mind.

** Kuroo Pov **

Today is the day Kenma is scheduled to finish the library (including all new additions to the inventory). In all honesty it felt like an impossible feat, to finish over 10,000 books seems astronomical and insane. Yes, Kenma, in his usual cool demeanor has defies all of my and everyone else's expectations and shall soon finish the library. My amazing Kenma has once again done something I consider unbelievable. 

The owner of the Library (and my previous boss) has let us stay overtime after everyone has left to let him have a moment after finishing the entire library. They said that this is something that has never been done before and that they are beyond impressed with Kenma's commitment. Kenma seemed not too interested in that praise but nevertheless did want to stay after. He walked through the aisles and pointed at books to tell me which ones had stuck in his memory. The ones that were important with messages he's held onto, ones that bored him to no end, and ones he read with Akaashi and want to read once more. 

We spent an hour as we made out way through all the aisles and stopped per my request at the table I had first met him at and he sat down. I had known I would ask him this day since I decided several years ago that I would. I would let him finish all of his unfinished business before starting again with me. I've waited five years since I first met him at this table. I've waited that long and it's taken me all that time to know exactly what to say.

I began, "Kenma, when I met you I was immediately infatuated by curiosity. I have never been so desperate to know someone like I was to know you. There was deep pain in your eyes that I wished to take away and to let your eyes sparkle so I could see. I fell in love with you all too quickly and it pained me to have done that. I wanted to love you slowly but all my feelings came with fast and deep uncertainty as my care slipped into love." I kept my eyes focused on him, wanting to remember every moment of this interaction. Wanting to remember his eyes as they watched me curiously and his lips as they twitched not knowing whether this was something to smile about. I wanted to remember his pulled back hair and dark blue sweater that showed his collar bones and how he sat with his knees together and his hands pulling at the before mentioned sweater. I wanted to remember so I could play it again over and over in my mind like a picture just how beautiful Kenma Kozume was watching me in that moment.

"I have never loved before and I think I may never love again because for me- for me you are all I need. I need you for more reasons than you know. I was lost and in finding you I found more of myself than I could have on my lonesome. I am evermore grateful to you Kenma Kozume. You oppose me in many ways and counter me constantly. I have never been bored to look at you and know that that shall never be the case because you hold nothing but excitement for me. The world does not know your love Kenma Kozume but I have learned it all this time and selfishly want to keep it for my own." There was nothing in my statement that I hadn't thought a hundred times before. I had not planned this speech but had thought it in the moment and said everything on my mind but what was on my mind was just how much I loved him. How spending the rest of my life with him would be easy and wonderful and something I need desperately to do. 

Kenma looked at me with glowing eyes and a showing smile as he nodded for me to continue. Dressed in winter clothes and reaching out his hand to me I took both his hands in mine to continue my asking. His smile shone brighter and he had a knowing face of what I might ask him. I had brought up all my courage to ask him and after waiting for so long the task was no longer difficult. I had all the words I needed to say on my tongue and when they would spill out it would be of pure honesty and love. 

"So Kenma, my love, my savior of hope and all that is good in my world I ask you, if you would do me the honor of continuing to love me for as long as I live and letting me take your hand in marriage?" I knelt down slowly and let go of his hands to show him the ring I had brought to give him in hopes of us leaving with it on his left hand ring finger. In hopes of the love I've decided to show today being fully returned. I would hold all my wishes out to give to him and watch as he decided how much love was enough to say yes. 

"Kenma Kozume will you marry me?"


	35. Chapter 34

** Kenma Pov **

Kuroo looked at me in a way I had never felt. Different from Keiji but with just as much love. He had poured his heart out to me just now in a way I had been hoping to hear for over a year now. 

"Kuroo... I in no way had expected to fall in love again and although you were not my first you will most definitely be my last. If it is selfish of you to ask me to be yours alone then I do not care because I selfishly want you as only mine as well. I want nothing more than to be yours so if you would hand me that ring you've been showing off I'd be happy to take it off your hands and onto my own." I held my left hand out to him and let him slip the ring onto my finger with an expression that can only be described as overjoyed. I had never seen him this happy before. Kuroo usually had an intense look on his face. One that screamed overwhelming thoughts and feelings but now it was just bliss. 

"I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you said yes." He gripped my hand firmly in his and stayed kneeling down looking in to me.

"You say that as if I am doing you a favor. As if you are in fact more in love with me than I am you." That could no longer be the case if it had ever been true it was not now. I fully believe that I love him just as much as he does me and that that is why spending the rest of my life with him will be the easiest thing in the world for me. Falling in love with him was difficult and painful and made me sick at times but after being here now... fully in love wanting nothing more than to keep loving him I can say that it would be easy to be with Kuroo till the end of my life.

"I do not mean it that way. I mean to say that I am glad to have you as my fiance and that I love you, so you saying yes has made me incredibly happy." I knew exactly what he had meant the first time. I didn't need the explanation but sometimes a confirmation with words is something I need. I can know what he means without words and still need him to say it anyways because of the validation that comes from it and the way it sounds seems to light up my insides.

"In that case I am just as happy. I've never seen you smile so much." Kuroo usually looked as if he was in constant painstaking thought but at this moment that was not there. I wanted him to continue like this. Without worry and issue and just love in his eyes directed at me.

"Being engaged to you seems to be my peak at this point in time. I can't imagine being happier but I know you'll do something to beat it. You always do." And he always seems to make me happier than I believe I can be so it works both ways. 

We left the Library hand in hand back to the car and our apartment. Smiles plastered on our faces in a way that must have looked stupid to anyone else watching us. Not that that would have mattered because in the end I would never care about the other people on the street or their opinions of me. I would care only for Kuroo and his eyes that watched me. Everyone else in my world was an addition to the scenery that I did not intend to interact with. 

I had thought truly that I would need no one in my life after my mother passed. I had thought that human interaction was unnecessary and it was not until I had it with someone I cared about that I realized how wrong of a thought that was. Human interaction in general seems not to be for me but interaction, any interaction with Kuroo seems to be quite different. I never understood why I decided I would talk to him. Why it was all different when he was around but the comfort he brought me never left. 

Maybe I am just hopelessly in love but I don't mind that too much. How could I I mind it if it's with him? He, who gives me nothing but joy and comfort. I am glad to have met him and to be here with him because honestly, I would have ended up needing him more than I like to admit. Even if I had gotten here eventually on my own the speed up in the process has done me a great deed that I can never repay.

...

When we got married it was winter the year after at the Library we met at. We had since moved but came back to get married. Seeing as Kuroo was the only one to have a friend outside of us we had a very small wedding. I didn't mind that it was just Kuroo's family, The Librarian and Oikawa that came. That hadn't bugged me in the slightest because I knew that Kuroo was there for me, and that to me was enough.


	36. Chapter 35

**Kuroo Pov**

For the past year Kenma has been editing, fixing, and perfecting something I had suggested o him long ago. He had kept them all in a box tucked away in our closet for all these years and finally decided to go through with it. He brought up enough courage to read them all through all the way. Kenma has compiled Akaashi's best works into a book that today has been approved for publishing. 

After having read over 10,000 books he has become quite the writer and editor. He spent hundreds of nights looking over his work and deciphering the inked words. He decided which ones could go into the book and after all that he has finally finished. I have never seen him work so intently at something before. Even after seeing Kenma's passion and need to read when he was at the Library that could never have compared to the look on his face for the past year. He seemed... truly happy to do this. As if he was finally okay with it all and honoring his memory was something he could do without pain in his eyes. 

We went back to the Library we met at for the first time in 2 years. Kenma has decided to give one of the 1st copies to the Library. To leave something behind to stay even when he cannot. It was quite a large gesture in my opinion. When we got there we were welcomed with open arms by the old woman who owned and ran the Library. I had seen her happy when she was at our wedding but I had never seen her as happy as right now. She didn't seem to smile when I worked there but now that was different. 

When Kenma gave her the book she thanked him and held both of his hands in hers as she started what I remember being one of the most heartfelt speeches I had seen from someone. "When I first met you, you were a little boy with black hair who clung to his mother like she was all there was keeping you on your feet. You would come in often with her and sit on the floor for god knows why and read with her. I remember that eventually you seemed like your heart had been broken. And one day you came in here life death itself and sat in the back corner. I remember the boy with eyes blue and grey like storm clouds walked in and you, you fell in love with him. I watched you fall in love with him and I remember the day he stopped visiting with you. I remember the look on your face. But you kept coming in with more dedication than I'd ever seen. One of my librarians started mentioning you to me after we realized what you'd been doing. Reading up the entire Library. But you weren't happy and that broke my heart. I watched you fall in love twice. Once with Keiji and once with this man right here. I've never been so glad to see someone happy. Kenma, thank you for doing this. Putting the book together. I remember Keiji oh so fondly and I am more than grateful to you for making this." 

I had not seen Kenma cry real tears in quite a while but now standing next to him as I watched the librarian tell Kenma she was proud of him and all he had done he had large tears streaming down his face.

"I just thought he'd like to have something left behind in his favorite place that's all. Thank you, for umm... for remembering him. He liked you quite a bit I remember. Thank you..." The words had come out soft and a bit choked. She kept a smile on her face as she wiped away Kenma's tears and let go of his hands. 

"No need to cry dear. I'm sure he'd liked to have seen you smile. I'm sure our Tetsurou would like that too. Thank you for the book. I won't take up anymore of your time." She waved us off as we made our way away from her and to the door, Kenma seeming relieved and fulfilled with what had just happened.

We left the Library for the last time, together.

When I was finally allowed to read the book I sat down in the middle of our living room and began. Kenma had gone over a million different names for the book and settled on the name of one of his short stories that was in the book. Kenma named the book "The Literati" and when I told him I didn't understand why that would be the title he told me that the entire book was about said Literati and that after reading the book I would understand. So I did just that. 

I started with Kenma's prologue to the book. Kenma's only addition to the book and what Kenma wrote at the beginning... 

_The moon had always shone brightly over me and even today it shines to lead me toward it. Akaashi Keiji burned in the night like the moon and his gravity pulled me toward him. This book is a compilation of his works of which he wrote right up until his passing. His intelligence knew no bounds and you will understand why that is so even as you read the first sentence. I'm created this book in hopes that someone will appreciate his work just as much as I had once done. I have read over 10,000 books but this will always be my favorite._

_I believe that the world is dark and dim and that I would have drowned endlessly in rivers of my tears if I had not met Akaashi Keiji. There are people you meet that you understand not at all why you need them but the need is there regardless. The need for their time, presence, love and everything they have to offer is there regardless. I needed him more than I am willing to say but he could not stay with me._

_I do ask one thing as you read this... remember Akaashi Keiji as not an intellect or a cynic or anything that his words might seem at first glance. Remember him as a remarkable and hopeless romantic who would now and forever more be yours to hold onto._

_~ Kenma Kozume (The Literati)_

When I had finished the book I went to find Kenma because even after knowing him for so long there were things about Kenma that I couldn't have possibly known without this. It was incredibly odd to read about someone else falling in love with my husband but not in way I expected. I think maybe I expected to be upset or uncomfortable but in the end I was undoubtedly happy and incredibly sad for Kenma. I did not know the boy Kenma fell in love with but from all I've heard over the years it was safe to say that he cared more deeply for Kenma than I imagined. 

"You finished the book?" He looked at me expectantly. I had finished the book and I had actually enjoyed it quite a lot. It was gorgeous and that shouldn't have surprised me because I shouldn't have expected Kenma to believe his writing was anything more than what it was and it was gorgeous.

"I did. You're right he is a good writer." Kenma seemed relieved that I had enjoyed the book as if he had been pacing around in our bedroom all tense waiting to see if I'd hate it.

"Thank you... for reading it. I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable." Ah, and of course he'd think that. I believe most people would. I think maybe it should have been uncomfortable honestly but it wasn't. I was fully aware Kenma loved me and the fact that he was once in love with someone else did not bother me at all.

"Kenma... when have I ever felt uncomfortable because of Akaashi?" Kenma talked about Akaashi still with me. More around the day of his death he would tell me stories and things about him. He was going to be holding onto him for the rest of his life and to me that was okay because there was no reason I saw that he should let go.

"...Never. Still... thank you." My Kenma was more prone to thanking me for things now that he had gotten used to it over the years. I felt this may have been incredibly difficult for him once but now not so much. He held that word with delicacy and used it when he meant it. When he used it now I knew it had meant a lot to him that I had read the book.

"Of course. I have some parts I want to ask about though that I don't think I got." We went right back into our usual demeanor as I said those words.

"Oh? Sure, of course. I can explain it for you I believe." He made his way over to me and sat down to look at the book I was holding and then back up at me.

"I knew you'd be able to. On page 26 in the 3rd line..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I wrote this I knew that this would always be the ending. I think that even though the book centers the relationship of Kenma and Kuroo the most important piece is supposed to be the past relationship Kenma has with Akaashi. The entire time Kenma is healing from this pain that he was left with and in the end that's why it ends with the prologue Kenma wrote and the publishing of the book. It's his completed arc.


End file.
